A Whole New World IV (The Theme Park Rundown, Pt. 2)

Life’s a funny thing - just when you get into the swing of things, you get a bunch of curve balls thrown your way. Such is the case with the recent life of your humble blogger. Following a string of very well received posts in October, reality swallowed up most of my free time for a while (buying and moving into our first house, a difficult holiday season, illnesses, a death in the family, and our long-awaited Disney World vacation.) But for now, dear readers, we are back into a rhythm of sorts here at Started By A Condor - at least until the next batch of shit hits the proverbial fan.

This week, let’s get back to our recurring series of entries (now there are two of them, so I can call them recurring) seeking out references to the films we’ve reviewed in and around Disney’s theme parks. We’ve got a ripe batch this time around, so grab your preferred form of ticketing media and let’s get to it.

Shrek
I really shouldn’t even be talking about this one, since it’s not a Disney production - and the “review” itself was an April Fools gag (boy, I hope everyone realized this, and didn’t think I’d lost my mind - that happened later.) The actual 2001 film is itself chock-full of satirical jabs at Disney and its interpretations of fairy tale lore, as well as its theme parks. When Shrek and Donkey pass through the turnstiles to enter the kingdom of Duloc, it resembles nothing less than first light at the Magic Kingdom, with its well-stocked gift shops, piped-in music and gleamingly clean streets (which are notably vacant - perhaps it more closely resembles EuroDisney in its first year.) One can easily imagine producer (and Disney exile) Jeffrey Katzenberg rubbing his hands with glee at the skewering of his former employers.

However, proving that the corporate world is one without a sense of irony, Dreamworks has leased out Shrek (and the franchise it spawned) to various entertainment companies around the world, leading to a number of varied attractions featuring the namesake Ogre and his friends. Disney’s theme park rival, Universal, operates most of the Shrek-themed attractions worldwide, including an entire themed land based upon the franchise called (appropriately enough) Far, Far Away, located in their Universal Studios Singapore park. Home to a pair of family-friendly coasters (Enchanted Airways and Puss In Boots’ Giant Journey,) the land also contains what was once Shrek’s most prevalent attraction, Shrek 4D. Another in a long line of tiresome 3D shows with silly in-theater effects (such as water being blasted in your face, or your legs getting “mechanically tickled” to simulate bugs and rats crawling underfoot,) the attraction had, at one point, six operating iterations around the globe. As of 2018, however, only three Universal parks still run their “in-your-face” theater show, including the original in Orlando.

Shrek demands jazz hands!

The ongoing presence of Shrek and Donkey walk-around characters ensures that Katzenberg’s big green baby won’t be leaving the theme park world (or pop culture’s shared memory) anytime soon.

Make Mine Music
Back in the early, rose-tinted days of Started By A Condor, I hadn’t fully thought out my idea for a “theme park reference” article yet. And so to pad out my review of Make Mine Music, I unfortunately already brought up the one and only nod given to Walt Disney Productions’ 1946 musical anthology. That would be the Magic Kingdom’s replacement for Disneyland’s original “Coke Corner,” Casey’s Corner, named after the “Casey at the Bat” segment of the film. This quick-service eatery is your first (and likely only) choice when craving corn dog nuggets with plastic cheese dipping-sauce under the Florida sun. Beyond the name (and drawings of Casey and the opposing team's pitcher on the menu board,) the old-timey baseball theming gives no other references to the animated sequence. At least I didn’t notice any when I was there. Then again, I was too busy glaring a hole into the back of the guy in front of me in line who was taking forever to order despite the fact that ALL THAT’S ON THE DAMN MENU ARE HOT DOGS AND SODA!!

Okay, fine - there're desserts, too...

Candleshoe
Ah, Candleshoe - one of those odd little gems sitting nearly forgotten amidst Disney’s catalogue of live-action features. Vaguely beloved by those who recall it from their youth, this 1977 Jodie Foster vehicle has absolutely no representation in Disney’s theme parks - not even a name-check.

No, a Cinderella "shoe candle" from World of Disney doesn't count...

The Many Adventures of Winnie The Pooh
Well this one should be easy to spot, since the “silly old bear” and his Hundred Acre Wood pals have been theme park staples for over forty years. Walk-around characters based on A.A. Milne’s literary creations first began greeting guests at Disneyland in 1965, a year ahead of the release of “Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Tree” (Disney’s first Pooh short that was later included in the 1977 anthology film reviewed on this blog.) While the costumes for characters like Eeyore and Tigger have changed relatively little over the years, the initial design for Pooh himself was … an interesting one. Amongst the last of Disney’s early “big head” costumes, Pooh was portrayed as having a squat little body and a gigantic head, itself featuring a “Hunny” pot perched atop it (which was then topped with a little spring-mounted bee.) The cast member inside the costume (sorry kids) had their head inside the honey pot, with rods running down to the bears flappy arms that provided a modicum of movement. How the performer was able to make Pooh’s snout wiggle is best left to the imagination. A bizarrely proportioned affair that looked little like his animated counterpart, this design was astoundingly kept around with few alterations until 1989.

Pooh's got the pinkeye!

A quick aside: I find it amusing that until 1999 the character had his name (“POOH”) scrawled across the front of his shirt - as if kids wouldn’t recognize the big yellow bear without the tag.

Given the ongoing popularity of the characters, it’s somewhat surprising that a Winnie the Pooh attraction didn’t appear until 1999, when Imagineering replaced Magic Kingdom’s zany classic Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride with the gentle Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh (a substantial downgrade, to be sure.) I remember reading that a Pooh dark ride had been planned for Disneyland’s Fantasyland expansion in 1983, but haven’t been able to find out why it never materialized. Walt’s park did get its own version of Magic Kingdom’s ride in 2003, replacing the Country Bear Jamboree - itself a Florida import from 1972 that had seen audiences decline severely over the years (unlike its perpetually popular forebear.) This version of the ride was later copied to Hong Kong in 2005 (where it was Fantasyland’s sole dark ride until their version of It’s a Small World opened in 2008) and Shanghai upon its 2016 opening. Tokyo Disneyland, on the other hand, pulled out all the stops with their own Pooh ride. Pooh’s Hunny Hunt, which opened in 2000, is an elaborate E-ticket attraction utilizing a state-of-the-art trackless ride system that whisks its riders along a random path through the colorful attraction, the roving honey pots occasionally grouping together to “dance” in synchronization to the soundtrack. I guess all the best stuff really is made in Japan.

Cars
Oddly enough, the first Pixar film that wasn’t greeted with universal acclaim ended up spawning what may be Imagineering’s most impressive stateside accomplishment since the turn of the new century. Likely conceptualized to combat Universal’s upcoming Wizarding World of Harry Potter for ultra-detailed adherence to its cinematic source material, when Cars Land opened in 2012 it single-handedly saved California Adventure’s reputation (the uber-charming Buena Vista Street notwithstanding) and began pulling greater numbers of guests from its sibling across the Esplanade.

Containing the usual array of gift shops and eateries, the re-creation of Radiator Springs hosts a trio of attractions: Mater’s Junkyard Jamboree (a spinning whip-ride,) Luigi’s Rollickin’ Roadsters (the US’s first use of the “trackless” ride system mentioned above,) which replaced Luigi’s Flying Tires, an attempted update of Disneyland’s failed Flying Saucers attraction from the early ‘60s, and the big E-ticket Radiator Springs Racers (a thematically rich thrill ride that wisely put the “slot car” technology from EPCOT’s Test Track to good use as a race simulator.) Most impressive, though, is the sheer amount of detail and sense of immersion the designers were able to draw from the animated film and translate into reality. Entering the land from the park’s performance corridor (or whatever they call that wide path that runs from Buena Vista Street, past Pacific Wharf and through Paradise Pier Park,) the confines of the small theme park melt away as the simulated desert town and surrounding mountain range seem to stretch on for miles.

Right, like it's ever this empty...

While California lucked out with the premier Cars-related attraction, the first one to open was actually in Paris, in the Toon Studio section of Paris’ second park, the dreary Walt Disney Studios Park - AKA the one that can be used as a bottom-of-the-barrel comparison point (“Hollywood Studios is half construction walls, but at least it’s better than the Walt Disney Studios Park” or “People are crapping all over the landscaping at Shanghai Disneyland, but at least it’s better than the Walt Disney Studios Park” or “My appendix just burst and I have to have emergency surgery, but at least it’s better than being at the Walt Disney Studios Park”.) Cars Quatre Roues Rallye is a simple carnival ride similar to Mater’s Junkyard Jamboree, featuring minimal theming such as 10-foot tall versions of the film’s Ornament Valley rock formations (which can be seen "life-sized" at DCA.)

Meanwhile, back at Walt Disney World, walk-around (or drive-around, I should say) characters such as Mater and Lightning McQueen could usually be seen at Hollywood Studios, at least until the Star Wars and Toy Story Land construction took out the backlot area. Beyond that, an entire section of Disney’s Art of Animation resort (one of their “value” level hotels) is themed around the film, featuring life-size models of the Cars characters and vistas of Radiator Springs painted on the hotel buildings. Okay, technically the hotels aren’t part of any theme park, but they’re still on-property so I’m gonna use ‘em. So there.

Honey, I Shrunk The Kids
Finally, a live-action film that spawned an attraction! Opened in December of 1990 at what was then called the Disney-MGM Studios, Honey, I Shrunk the Kids: Movie Set Adventure was an oversized kiddie playground themed to look like a gigantic backyard like the one from the film (only with fewer killer scorpions.) I remember the Disney World travel videos made this imaginative playground look like a real blast, with a slide made to look like a roll of Kodak film, a giant dog nose that sprayed mist, and ride-on sized ants and bees! Kids must’ve enjoyed it, since this minor attraction outlived its perceived shelf-life and remained open until April of 2016, when it was razed to make way for Star Wars. By the time of its closing, many of the youngsters clamoring around the simulated anthills probably had never seen the original movie.

Radical!

My family and I encountered the Movie Set Adventure a mere three months before its removal, and were struck by just how small the playground actually was. And, like many a public park, the place was packed with rambunctious probably-too-old-for-a-playground kids (and their extended families finding a shady spot to park themselves); therefore our then 1-year old daughter was not able to partake in the microscopic jubilance.

Honey, I Blew Up the Kid
I can just hear you now, dear reader, crying, “Hey! Why don’t you combine the sequels together instead of separating them to pad out the article? You lazy bastard!” First of all, stop yelling at your screen - you sound like a crazy person. Second, I was actually going to discuss the Honey, I Shrunk… attractions together, when I realized that the two were actually tied directly to each individual film. While the Movie Set Adventure was clearly inspired by the “backyard jungle” setting of the first film, the 4D Honey, I Shrunk the Audience film that first opened in Epcot ‘94 (ugh) was, despite its name, based completely upon the sequel. Randal Kleiser returned to direct the full Szalinski family (sans oldest daughter, Amy,) played by the same actors - including Rick Moranis, Marcia Strassman, Robert Oliveri and both Daniel and Joshua Shalikar (as young Adam.) We’ve also got a broadly comic score by Bruce Broughton, utilizing his main theme from the 1992 film. Make no mistake, this attraction follows directly from the second film, even while its premise and title played off the popularity of the original. Hell, this filmed attraction feels more like a genuine sequel than 1997's direct-to-video Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves, which re-cast everyone save for Moranis (and really, really sucked.)

Does that say "Honey, I Shrek the Audience!?"

The film was actually quite clever, with a shrunken Adam begging his dad to fix him before “one of those Disney sweeper people” came by, and characters beseeching little Adam to put the theater back exactly where he found it, “otherwise the exits won’t line up.” The so-called 4D effects ranged from ingenious (the theater seats vibrating in time with the character’s giant footsteps) to silly (a blown-up Quark the dog sneezes on everyone at the film’s conclusion - lovely.) Being one of the earlier 4D attractions (it opened three years after Disney-MGM’s Muppet*Vision 3D,) perhaps theme park guests weren’t as burned-out on the genre as they later became. Sadly, as clever as a 4D attraction can be, in the end it’s still a film presentation - and park-goers become less inclined to continually revisit an experience that has no variation. Heck, by the time the attraction was duplicated on the west coast (as part of Disneyland’s ill-fated Tomorrowland redesign of 1998,) the steam had pretty much run out of the Honey, I Shrunk… franchise. In 2010, all iterations of the attraction - including ones in Paris and Tokyo (where it was known as MicroAdventure!) - closed down for good.

Interestingly, in each of the parks it occupied, Honey, I Shrunk the Audience originally replaced the kooky space musical adventure (and 4D precursor) Captain EO, which had opened in 1986 (in Disneyland and EPCOT Center; Tokyo premiered it the following year, and Paris in 1992.) Starring Michael Jackson, produced by George Lucas and directed by Francis Ford Coppola (now that’s star power!), the moonwalking masterpiece of pure ‘80s awesomeness holds the record for the most expensive film ever made, in terms of its cost-to-screentime ratio ($23.7 Million for 17 minutes.) When Honey, I Shrunk the Audience closed, it was replaced in all four parks with … Captain EO. Brought back as “Captain EO Tribute” in honor of the recent death of Jackson, this welcomed revival has since shut again, presumably for good, replaced by a collection Star Wars clips (in California,) an interactive Stitch show (in Tokyo) and a collection of Pixar shorts (in Florida and Paris.)

Before Honey, I Shrunk the Audience’s 2010 removal, its character Dr. Nigel Channing (played by Monty Python huckster Eric Idle) spread throughout EPCOT’s Journey Into Imagination pavilion like an English-accented cancer, killing off poor Dreamfinder and sapping the glass pyramids of creativity. Despite attempts to inject some whimsy in 2002, Channing continues to infect the attraction to this day. One only hopes little Figment will eventually make it through okay.

He's not the Messiah - he's a very naughty boy.

Tangled
The film that catapulted Walt Disney Animation back to the top of its game, 2010’s Tangled has been simultaneously omnipresent and surprisingly subdued in its theme park presence. While the breakout success of 2013’s Frozen led Disney to scramble and re-theme EPCOT’s Maelstrom attraction, the earlier success (and continued popularity) of Tangled has seemingly caused them to create everything but a new (or even repurposed) attraction. Rapunzel herself has become a staple of Princess meet and greet locations around the globe, and she and Flynn appear in multiple parades (including the wonderful Festival of Fantasy parade at the Magic Kingdom.) There have been Tangled-themed stage productions as well, ranging from the simple ("Storytelling at the Royal Theatre" in Disneyland’s Fantasy Faire) to the extravagant (the Broadway-styled Tangled: The Musical, performed aboard the Disney Magic of the Disney Cruise Line.) Heck, Rapunzel and her beau are even featured at a character breakfast at the Trattoria al Forno restaurant at Disney’s Boardwalk.

And yet the biggest addition to a Disney park featuring the hit animated film comes not in the form of a ride or a walk-around character, but that of a john. In 2013, as part of the Magic Kingdom’s Fantasyland expansion, the site of the long-shuttered Skyway station (along the pathway from the Haunted Mansion and Columbia Harbor House) was expanded with a detailed recreation of Rapunzel’s tower, fronted by a babbling stream and a small, lantern-adorned square - built around an exquisitely themed restroom. A nice example of newly-built theming blending seamlessly into Fantasyland’s pre-existing architecture, the area around the “Rapunzel crappers” is a nice addition to the park, featuring a large seating area and a gentle, folksy music loop. It’s just kind of a shame that such a fine movie is represented by a toilet.

I keep wonderin', and wonderin', and wonderin' when will my BM begin...

In Search of the Castaways
Unsurprisingly, Disney’s rip-roaring 1962 adaptation of Jules Verne’s adventure novel gets no direct mention in any of its theme parks. Verne himself appeared in Animatronic form at the beginning of EPCOT Center’s beloved Horizons - but that doesn’t really count, does it?

Sacre bleu!

Bambi
Our last movie in this "Theme Park Rundown" is a true classic of animated cinema, beloved by generations of film-goers. Surprisingly, however, an attraction based upon Disney’s 1942 coming-of-age fable has never been made. Beyond a Bambi topiary in EPCOT’s annual Flower & Garden Festival, there are rarely seen Thumper and Flower walk-around characters (as well as Thumper’s girlfriend, referred to as Ms. Bunny, whom my family actually encountered at Animal Kingdom on a particularly busy day this past January.) Clips from Bambi appear in the lobby of California Adventure’s “Disney Animation” building, and images of the films characters appear in the tile-work and shower curtains at the Grand Californian and Disney World’s Wilderness Lodge resorts (again with the bathrooms?).

Man is in the forest ... and he's setting up concession booths...

Perhaps the films strong conservationist message (and vilification of mankind) doesn’t lend itself to a theme park ride. In the end, maybe it’s for the best; somehow not having Bambi and his woodland friends shoved in ones face makes the original film feel a bit more special.

Well, we certainly hit some pay-dirt for movie references this time around. There are some more gems to come in future "Theme Park Rundowns," so let’s hope this blogger can continue writing long enough to get to them all!

A Whole New World I (The Theme Park Rundown, Pt. 1)

And so Started By A Condor has reached 60 posts - hooray for arbitrary numbers! Since post #1 was an introduction, however, I suppose this one would actually be “review #60” - except we won’t be reviewing anything today. Going back to an idea I had while starting the blog (pushed aside in my initial feverish dash to write too many reviews,) today we’ll begin a recurring series of entries looking back at the films we’ve reviewed so far and run down what presence (if any) each one has at Disney’s theme parks. Since tackling every one of these in one post would be tedious (to write and to read,) we’ll take them 10 at a time, with a new entry in the series every once in a while.

Sound like fun? Well, too bad, I’m doing it anyway.

So now come along with me as we journey into imagination (!?) and depart for the exotic cities of Anaheim, Orlando, Urayasu, Marne-Le-Valle, Penny’s Bay and Pudong for a journey through the turnstiles (or MagicBand readers,) as we go a-hunting for references!

Condorman
Looking first for a reference to our beloved blog namesake, we find … precisely diddly-squat. Seriously - there’s nothing in any of Disney’s 12 theme parks (or their resort hotels and shopping districts, as far as I  know) referencing our winged wonder. And why should there be? One of the requirements of a cult film, by definition, has to be it’s non-presence in the mainstream - and Disney doesn’t get much more obscure than Condorman (well, almost - let’s not bring up Midnight Madness just yet.) Unfortunately my emails to Walt Disney World management, urging them to re-paint the cars at the Tomorrowland Speedway to resemble the Condormobile, have thus far fallen on deaf ears.

We tried to start a meet and greet, but kids kept poking their eyes out on my wings!

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
Okay, this one’s much easier to spot. Disney’s original animated film features prominently in the theme park world, and has from day one. Beyond Snow White and the Dwarfs themselves making innumerable appearances in shows and parades, Snow White’s Adventures (later renamed Snow White’s Scary Adventures) was an opening day attraction at Disneyland, and still operates there today - albeit in a heavily-modified version partially based on Florida’s 1971 re-make. That version, which was first toned down in 1994 and then removed completely in 2012 (to make way for Princess Fairytale Hall, a meet-and-greet location,) is the one I find most fascinating.

Tasked by Roy Disney with replicating the three opening day dark-rides from Disneyland (after their original plans for ones based on Sleeping Beauty, Mary Poppins and the “Sleepy Hollow” segment of The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad were cut,) WED Enterprises’ Imagineers decided to alter them in different ways. Thus the new Peter Pan’s Flight became more detailed and scenic, and the Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride redux became twice as large (and twice as manic.) With their new Snow White ride, the Imagineers apparently decided to scare eager young riders shitless, as it featured wailing skeletons, a darkened cottage full of terrified forest animals, the shadow of a horned demon that chased the Dwarfs away (!), and a pursuit by a gaunt, relentlessly shrill Witch that leaped out suddenly at several points during the experience. At the ride’s conclusion, the Witch appeared above the ride track in the Dwarf’s mine, seeming to tip a giant diamond onto riders’ heads. This lead to the final room before riders departed, in which strobe lights flashed as the hag’s cackle echoed like a skipping record; basically, the Witch killed you. God, I’m sorry I missed this one!

We all float in here, dearies...

Versions of the ride exist in Disneyland Paris (Blanche-Neige et les Sept Nains - a clone of the current California version) and Tokyo Disneyland, which is an interesting hybrid of Florida’s original first half and California’s “happy ending.” Additionally, Magic Kingdom received a Seven Dwarfs Mine Train attraction in 2014 to replace it’s defunct dark-ride, which is a nicely detailed “family-friendly” roller coaster that was later duplicated at Shanghai Disneyland. It’s well worth a ride if you can snag a FastPass (you won’t see me waiting no two hours in line - I could be spending that time eating, like, 24 Citrus Swirls.)

The Adventures of Bullwhip Griffin
Well, you’d think one would be hard-pressed to find this little gem represented in the parks - and yet there exists a shout-out at Florida’s Magic Kingdom. Inside the Main Street train station, right at the front of the park, there is a railroad bulletin board chock-full of references to some of Disney’s older live-action films. Among them, there is a train that’s listed as arriving from “Bullwhip,” which is then then scheduled to depart for “Griffin Gulch” (and which is noted as having a flood delay.) A small reference, to be sure, but it’s better than nothing!

I'll probably be using this board a lot in coming posts...

The One and Only, Genuine, Original Family Band
Aarrgh!! Anyway, this excruciating musical doesn’t seem to have a direct reference in any of the parks, though the time period portrayed in the film isn’t too far off from Main Street’s turn-of-the-century ethos. I wouldn't be surprised if instrumental versions of one or more of it’s Sherman Brothers tunes have shown up in Main Street’s background-music loop at some point. Louis Armstrong did a jazzy cover of “Ten Feet Off the Ground” on his Disney Songs the Satchmo Way album … and he performed a few times at Disneyland … so there’s that.

Admission costs how much now!?!

Darby O'Gill And The Little People
Despite being ripe with fantasy (and touched by the hand of Walt Disney himself,) Darby O’Gill is sadly without direct theme park representation, as well. There is a tenuous link, however, between Walt’s effects-heavy film about Leprechauns and an easy-to-miss curio at Disneyland. In 1955, Little Golden Books published a story entitled The Little Man of Disneyland, a cute little piece of marketing that told the tale of a Leprechaun who was displaced by the construction of Disneyland - until Mickey, Goofy and Donald helped to re-locate the wee man into his own private tree inside the new park. A tiny door, window and chimney can still be spotted on a particular tree in Adventureland. Why a little Irish Leprechaun was living in California is still a mystery to me, though.



Canya believe I've godda drag meself all the way ter Califahrnia Adventure fer a wee nip?

Donald In Mathmagic Land
Perhaps no other entry in this post points to the futility of this exercise more than Donald In Mathmagic Land. I mean, am I serious? Well, the narrator here is Paul Frees, who also narrates The Haunted Mansion and the long-shuttered Adventure Through Inner Space - and his is still the voice heard as Pirates of the Caribbean’s pirate-auctioneer in both California and Florida (I imagine this not to be the case overseas, since those pirates don’t speak English.) Plus, if you look closely, you can see that tucked behind every cash register in Disney’s gift shops sits a basic numerical calculator. Math!

This building, Donald, is shaped like a square. MAG-NI-FI-CAY-SHUN!

A Goofy Movie
Brace yourselves ChildrenOfThe90z, but our beloved Goofy Movie is sadly underrepresented at the parks. There is a rarely-seen Max walk-around character that sometimes accompanies Goofy, though his purple pants indicate that this is the junior Goof circa the Goof Troop series, rather than its' feature film follow-up. However, the pair have been spotted doing impromptu performances of “the perfect cast” dance, sometimes accompanied by the film’s Powerline song “I2I” (especially on Father's Day in recent years.) As noted in my original review, the films “Lester’s Possum Park” is a bare-faced parody of Magic Kingdom’s Country Bear Jamboree, but we’re not looking for reverse-references here - and it’s not like Disney added a “Lester the Possum” animatronic to the Bear Band line-up or something. That’d be silly.

Nobody else but you...

Tarzan
Passing through Disneyland’s Adventureland on your way to New Orleans Square you’ll encounter a giant fake tree, containing the walk-through Tarzan’s Treehouse attraction. Opened to the public in June of 1999 (exactly one week after the release of its' namesake movie,) this one caused a minor bugaboo amidst Disneyland die-hards, as it was a quick-and-dirty re-theme of the cherished (if infrequently traversed) Swiss Family Treehouse attraction that had shaded the western edge of Adventureland since 1962. While the closure of older attractions to make way for new ones is part-and-parcel to the life expectancy of Disney’s parks, this example of budget Imagineering (instigated by then-Parks and Resorts chairman and miserly bottom-line feeder Paul Pressler - aka The Dark One) was an unfortunate harbinger of such future IP re-brandings as the Tower of Terror/Guardians of the Galaxy redesign, and the impending transformation of Paradise Pier into Pixar Pier (poor California Adventure can’t seem to catch a break!) On the other hand, the attraction proved a popular enough draw, and was copied as an opening-day attraction at Hong Kong Disneyland in 2005.

Evidence of a rushed makeover at Disneyland’s Treehouse soon came to light, however. Originally guests would ascend the attraction via a steep set of stairs that took you up into the Swiss Family Robinson’s jungle dwelling; for the Tarzan rebranding, however, a separate “rotting tree” (at least that what it looks like to me) was constructed out in front of the original, and guests would climb this before crossing a nerve-racking suspension bridge over to the main attraction. All fine and good - kids liked the new bridge, and it helped set the updated attraction apart from the original. However, the added stress of this extra structure soon took its' toll on the 37 year-old tree, and one day in March of 2007 the entire attraction was suddenly shut down without notice. It took crews over a year to assess and repair the structural damage. The attraction has operated without incident since then.

Tarzan and Jane: swingers

While the Treehouse in Florida’s Magic Kingdom has remained unaltered, Tarzan did inspire a memorably silly stage show at Animal Kingdom. Staged in the “Theater in the Wild” adjacent to Dinoland USA, Tarzan Rocks! (don’t ya love exclamation points slapped onto things?) featured energetic performers swinging on simulated vines, belting out less awesome renditions of Phil Collins’ songs from the film. Tarzan Rocks! ran for seven years before being replaced by a Finding Nemo musical show in 2007. But the likeliest reason it’s so fondly remembered can be summed up in two words: rollerblading monkeys.

Enchanted
Disney’s 2007 animated/live action rom/com is itself a treasure-trove of Disney references, but references to the film itself are lacking in the theme park world. In my review, I went into brief detail about Disney’s last-minute decision to pull Amy Adams’ Giselle from the roster of “official” Disney Princesses, primarily due to the fact that discerning theme park patrons (can you hear the sarcasm in my writing?) would call foul on a walk-around character who didn’t look like the actress. Since then, it’s been brought to my attention that both Disneyland and Walt Disney World did in fact have a Giselle character, who was featured in a “pre-parade” float promoting the film, which would preceed afternoon parades at Disneyland, Magic Kingdom and Hollywood Studios. Since then, the character has been a no-show, even at those ridiculously over-priced hard-ticketed events that annual passholders and Vacation Club members attend to stand in line for two hours to take pictures with “rare” walk-around characters. Various theories as to why this is the case are floating about in the internet’s ether - some say it’s because Disney’s feature animation didn’t do the animation in Enchanted, some say because the character’s elaborate dress is too expensive to maintain, others say it’s so they don’t have to pay royalties to Amy Adams (though this issue obviously hasn’t stopped Mary Poppins or Jack Sparrow characters from appearing - unless Amy Adams has a dynamite agent?)

I'm just as surprised as you!

A Far Off Place
It should be clear by now that we’d come up dry once again seeking any theme park references to Disney’s obscure 1993 adventure film. If you squint hard enough, one could possibly take portions of Animal Kingdom’s Kilimanjaro Safaris attraction as a close-enough substitute. And, as noted in my Animal Kingdom TV special post, the attraction did originally have a much heavier ivory-theft storyline behind it, which fit hand-in-hand with Disney’s “evil poachers as go-to villains” theme of the 1990s. Perhaps if one were to ride along with somebody who resembles a teenaged Reese Witherspoon or Ethan Embry, they could pretend … no, never mind, it’s not worth it.

Keep your eyes open, Mr. Giraffe - you might be replaced by a Marvel attraction any day now!

Well, that takes us through our first "Theme Park Rundown", and clearly we’re going to have our work cut out for us moving forward. As we’ve already seen, some movies have big, obvious rides and attractions, while others have more obscure references that typically go unnoticed by the casual guest; many, of course, have no presence whatsoever. Luckily, some of us have a gift for seeing references where none may actually exist!

TV Detour #3 - Dateline: Disneyland

And suddenly, it all changed.

On the evening of Sunday July 17th, 1955, an estimated 90 million people gathered around their family television sets to watch a slap-dash live broadcast from what was, less than a year ago, an orange grove in the middle of a tiny town in California called Anaheim. Could they have known that what unfolded on that tiny black-and-white screen before them was a significant moment in history? That the labor of a small group of artists and workers would create something wholly unique that would forever alter the future of the entire entertainment industry? That one man’s desire to open a place for families to have fun that was surrounded by a railroad would change the world? Most likely not. Watching the historically significant broadcast of Dateline: Disneyland today can be bewildering and beautiful at the same time.

A source of joy and inspiration to all the world...

The previous year, Walt had made an agreement with the fledgling ABC network to broadcast a weekly anthology program, Walt Disney’s Disneyland (did ya get your name in there enough, Walt?), in exchange for help in funding the park. Every Sunday, ABC’s program provided glimpses at concept art, models and construction updates for Walt’s project, hyping up the expectations to a captive in-home audience. In a staggering feat of determination, Disney pushed the work crews and managed to just barely get his park up and running in 364 days. Additionally (and perhaps unwisely,) Disney had promised a spectacular debut for his namesake theme park, to be broadcast across the nation on live television, at the conclusion of this feverish construction. The largest live television broadcast yet attempted was put into production (involving, as host Art Linkletter put it, “literally miles and miles of cable” for everyone to trip over.) The scene at the park itself would go down in Disney history as “Black Sunday,” as the not-quite-finished Disneyland was hardly able to host the 28,000 guests that crowded the freshly-asphalted streets (double the officially invited number, thanks to a flood of easily-counterfeited tickets - never mind those who actually scaled the fences to get in.)

Well, are you better off than you were 62 years ago?

Viewers tuned in July 17th - and witnessed, for all intents and purposes, a great big mess. In his introduction, Linkletter prepares the audience for the coming difficulties, referring to their rehearsal from the previous day as “trying to film three erupting volcanoes at the same time … and you didn’t know they were going to erupt.” All throughout the chaotic production, viewers are witness to hosts running to hit their marks on time, sudden cuts to random camera feeds, and the sound jumping between live speeches, pre-recorded narration, and ghostly control-room chatter (or the occasional dead silence.) More than once, Linkletter can be seen desperately trying to locate a microphone, and co-host Bob Cummings continually missing his cues as he talks up female park-goers. The only one who seems to be on the ball in terms of timing is the third co-host, bow-tied future President Ronald Reagan - though he is also aided by a number of pre-written speeches that he carefully reads word-for-word from a large wad of paper. The others, meanwhile, are trying their best to recall what they were supposed to say as the overcrowded park falls apart around them - more often than not drifting into off-the-cuff nonsense (such as Linkletter erroneously indicating that both the Main Street buildings and the Railroad are “⅝ scale”, or Reagan noting that the horse riders heading toward Frontierland were a “part of our very historic past.”)

Disneyland is YOUR land ... but with MY name on it.

 

Who seems to be having the most fun, as he drifts in and out of the televised shenanigans, is Walt Disney himself. First appearing as he hops out of the engine of the Santa Fe & Disneyland Railroad, decked out in an Engineer’s cap and bandana, Walt excitedly tells Linkletter all about the fun he and Santa Fe railroad president Fred Gurley had been having zipping along the tracks that day. His world-famous dedication speech (commemorated, as all future theme park dedications would be, on a plaque near the park’s entrance) succinctly sums up what the entire Disneyland project was all about, and surely must’ve come as a relief to state aloud after a frantic year of planning and construction. Walt’s earnest delivery never fails to tug at the ol’ heartstrings for many a Disneyphile, even today. Following this, Walt can be seen reading off dedication plaques for each of the four remaining lands (which would end up not being placed in the park, for some reason,) his befuddlement at the televised disorder occasionally betraying his otherwise chummy demeanor. This is most clearly witnessed as his dedication of Tomorrowland, in which -  interrupted halfway through - he stares down someone off camera and bemoans “but I wa … I thought I got a signal …”

This place'll have more plaque than a dentist office!

 

Such confusion exemplifies the whole hour of Dateline: Disneyland, despite Walt and Co.’s attempts at staging a live entertainment spectacular. Following the park's dedication (which includes, incredibly, a blessing and prayer by a Chaplain,) a grand parade of bands, dancers and characters representing the various themed lands marches it’s way up Main Street, as Linkletter tries furiously to keep a running play-by-play going. Seeing the primitive costumed characters (in outfits originally designed for the Ice Capades) could potentially keep modern children (and their parents) up at night, so bizarre are such sights as a 2-person pantomime-horse style Pluto and a Dumbo with a head that looks like a massive, misshapen turnip. Evidently, not enough time was set aside to cover the entirety of the parade, and so Linkletter feverishly passes it over to Bob Cummings, who gives audiences a primer on how Disneyland’s “hub and spoke” layout works.

One, two, Dumbo's comin' for you...

 

A lot of time is dedicated to Frontierland, since the breakout success of Walt Disney’s Disneyland were it’s Davy Crockett episodes - and character-based synergy is by no means a new phenomenon in Disney’s theme parks. Riding in from the far end of Frontierland (which, thanks to wide expanses of sparse vegetation, looks more like an actual frontier town than it does today - save for the high-tension power lines visible beyond the tiny tree line,) Fess Parker and Buddy Ebsen, in character as Crockett and George Russell, lead a lengthy song-and-dance number honoring Crockett’s trusty rifle, “Ol’ Betsy” (which "Russell" says they just utilized to dispatch some “redskins ... just itching to lift our scalps.”) Following this comes Linkletter and actress Irene Dunne, christening the Mark Twain riverboat in a scene that rather perfectly encapsulates the entire day’s commotion. After commenting that the boat is “listing a little” (due to the overcrowded sternwheeler having no posted capacity limits,) Dunne calls Linkletter “Walt” and smashes a bottle upon the ship’s bitt (thanks, Google!) - as Linklater, arms spread, announces that the ship is now ready to set out across “the Rivers of the World … of America, that is!”

Mickey and Minnie flee the scene

Our drawn-out look at Frontierland concludes in front of a small sub-section at the area’s dead-end (each land was originally a cul-de-sac, only accessible from the hub,) optimistically called “New Orleans Street” - not to be confused with the brilliantly-realized New Orleans Square that was 11 years away. A rousing routine is tap-danced out in front of the pancake house (at one point a large Black dancer in a kerchief sashays out from the doorway, upon which an announcer suddenly blurts out “And here's Aunt Jemima!”) While the routine, set to brassy Dixieland jazz performed by the Firehouse Five Plus Two (a band composed of artists from Disney’s animation studio,) is certainly energetic, more poor planning meant that the performers had to squeeze between the hoards of guests fronting the restaurant and the tiny garden-fence surrounding the river. The Mardi Gras atmosphere obviously swept up Bob Cummings, as the camera catches him making out with a dancer (who makes a hasty exit as Cummings quickly tries to pass it over to "Ronnie Reegan".)

BUSTED!!

Next we take a look at the underdeveloped grouping of corporate-sponsored state fair exhibits that Disney had to pass off as Tomorrowland until the place got a proper facelift a decade later (it seems that this section of the park is in perpetual need of fixing up, unfortunately.) A view of the world from “the future year of 1986(!)," we are treated to a flag ceremony and band performance by the Boy Scouts of America, as well as a view of the hastily-prepared Phantom Boats that would ply a muddy Tomorrowland lagoon - future sight of the Submarine Voyage. Next, Cummings joins former Nazi scientist German physicist and “gentleman of great renown” Dr. Heinz Haber inside the Aluminum Hall of Fame (which would be located next to the Crane Company Bathroom of Tomorrow - seriously,) for a doomed attempt at making science fun; Haber’s son tosses a ping-pong ball onto a table topped with dozens of mousetraps, also loaded with ping-pong balls, in order to demonstrate an atomic chain-reaction. Clack! goes exactly one mousetrap, the pair of balls tapping silently to the floor. “Uhm...better try again” Haber mumbles, as a second attempt yields better, though far from stunning, results. Such was Disney’s luck that day that even physics failed to go right! Clearly, it would be a number of years until the company became adept at “edutainment.”

We don't need no stinkin' MaxPass!

A whimsical look at Fantasyland is saved for (almost) last, as the miniature drawbridge leading into Sleeping Beauty Castle is lowered for the first (of two) times in it’s history. A gathering of generic-looking fairytale characters, followed closely by hordes of unaccompanied children, stampede into the courtyard (which, at this point, looks a lot more like a plywood-constructed Renaissance fair than it would following an extensive re-design in 1983,) immediately overwhelming the waiting staff and television crews. As a medley of Disney songs blares over the soundtrack, panicked-looking cast members have to warn children to step back as King Arthur’s carrousel starts spinning, while Art Linkletter attempts to persuade Danny Thomas to ride Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride over his daughter’s shouts of “IS IT SCARY!??” At one point, Linkletter also has to ask a few kids to move out of the way of an approaching ride vehicle, before sending the camera back over to Bob Cummings. Cummings, meanwhile, is standing atop the Chicken of the Sea-sponsored Pirate Ship restaurant, chatting with an 18 year-old Bobby Driscoll while the camera focuses on an attractive blonde woman nearby. After some attempt is made to get the cameras and hosts aligned, Cummings gives up and passes it back to Linkletter, only then having to go into a play-by-play of Linkletter frantically running around the front of Mr. Toad, looking for a microphone.

Nothing says "fantasy" like a chain-link fence around a carnival ride!

The mayhem peters to an end, but not before we get an extremely brief look at Adventureland (“Didn’t we forget something?” Linkletter says to an already tired-looking Walt.) In the middle of a heaving crowd in front of The Jungle Cruise (Adventureland was, as it is now, a constantly congested bottleneck,) Cummings attempts to spout out something about the amazing journey that awaits guests seeking primitives in the wild, but is basically drowned out by crowd noise and a “jungle drums” soundtrack that is once again blasted too loudly. With mere minutes remaining in their timeslot, everyone involved seems like they just want it to end already, so no attempt is made to correct any of this. Back in front of the castle, Walt joins Linkletter (who says “Walt, you’ve made a bum out of Barnum!” as Walt laughs and looks at the ground - aww shucks,) before thanking the artists, the workers, and everybody who helped bring his dream to life. In spite of everything, Walt does seem genuinely relieved that they managed to get it open - even if there was clearly more work still to be done. The two men then sign off, waving, and turn to make their way toward Fantasyland - Walt grabbing at the back of his jacket as they walk, Linkletter’s microphone cable having wrapped halfway around him - as the program fades out.

Y'know, Art, this seems like a dandy place to pop the question...

With this auspicious beginning, a brand new art form was given a difficult start in front of a live viewing audience. Looking back, it’s clear that Disneyland, an evolution of the “amusement park” but really it’s own new genre of public entertainment, would need to go through some growing pains before reaching it’s full potential. Likewise, Walt realized that leaving first impressions up to chance (especially on live TV) could end in disaster, and so never again would Disney allow a live television special to compromise its spit-shined public image. While all of it’s parks and resorts would face their own problems and opening-day issues, none of them would be allowed to so openly parade them in front of the entire world. Thus Disney would quickly learn to control and perfect how it presented Walt’s park (and its offspring) to the world, perhaps inevitably leading to more lavish and over-the-top specials in the coming decades.



The man and his moat

 

While initial reviews of both the park and the opening telecast were understandably mixed, once again Walt had a sense of what his audience wanted. Within two months, a million guests had already passed through the park’s hastily-paved main entrance. Soon, Walt Disney Productions, which up to this point had always been one of the more cash-strapped companies in Hollywood, would find perpetual financial stability through its theme park division, and a beloved but relatively small movie studio could now call itself a truly multimedia enterprise. While the artists who brought the park to life (whom Walt would soon dub his “Imagineers”) may have cut their teeth in the film industry, they would soon find themselves more often than not stretching the boundaries of urban design and entertainment technology. Those involved in its creation, as well as those who would one day work at, visit, study or dream of going to Disneyland, would never be the same again. For Walt Disney, who looked like a kid at Christmas when things were going right on opening day, his dream had actually come true - against incredible odds and an arduous birth. We who enjoy the ever-growing fruits of these labors will continue to benefit now and forever.

All aboooooooooard!!

Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End

Okay, time to finish this thing. One last blog entry for Pirates Week - didn’t think I’d get it out in time. Man, getting through these last couple of movies was tough. There’s only so many loud CG sea-battles one can take before it gets dull.

Okay, so intro … intro ... should I be funny? Er, try to be funny? Maybe just a quick “Avast, let’s review 2007’s Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World’s End?”  No, needs more than that.

Ceci n'est pas une Jack Sparrow.

 

 

No, it's fine. You Always ramble on too long anyway.
Keep the introduction short.

What was that?
 

Don’t listen to him, you’re doing fine.

Thanks! Wait, what? Well, never mind.

Okay, what to talk about … what to talk about ...
 

Do a plot summary!

Oh for Christ's sake, no! No one wants to read a plot summary!
Either they've seen the movie or they don't give a shit.

The movie stars Johnny Depp as bilge rat scurvy sea dog pirate Captain Jack Sparrow, who is to be rescued from Davy Jones’ locker by his frienemies, Will Turner (Orlando Bloom,) Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightley) and Captain Hector Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) - who’s now alive, because magic. Chow Yun-fat appears as pirate lord Sao Feng, in an extended opening sequence set in a fanciful, set-bound recreation of Singapore.
 

Yeah yeah, the gang's all here:
Bill Nighy is Squidward Von Spaghetti Monster,
Jack Davenport is "Nobody Cares" Norrington,
Tom Hollander is the other British guy I can't be bothered to remember.

Wait, is he the new Spider-Man?

No, that’s Tom Holland - I can see how you’d get confused.

Doesn’t take much. Anyway, Tom Holland was probably

a newborn when this came out.

Also in a somewhat expanded role is Naomie Harris as Tia Dalma, who turns out to be the human vessel for the goddess Calypso, former lover of Davy Jones. She is freed from her Earthly form, basically to have a reason for a giant whirlpool to appear in the middle of the ocean and serve as a backdrop for the protracted climax (“Maelstrom!” one of the pirates cries out, reminding me of a recently closed EPCOT attraction.)

No! No goddamn EPCOT references!
Do you know how pissed I am that you
shoehorned your whining about EPCOT Center

into the review of my amazing adventures
in Mathmagic Land!? Hey, stop linking!

Oh sure, “amazing adventure”... nobody likes Mathmagic Land.

Hey! At least they liked The Three Caballeros post!

Not like you'd know anything about that,
Mr. Seven Views.

I’m a cult classic, so there.



Cult classic my ass, you stupid-



Hey! I’m trying to write about Pirates!

How the hell is this any way to finish Pirates Week?
 

Pirates Week - nobody cares.

Just write an angry review with lots of swearing!

Everyone fucking loves it when you get mad!

That’s not true!

I think a lot of readers enjoyed the Goofy Movie post.

Pfft! The Parent Trap! The Lion King!

Most popular posts! He hated 'em!

Well I didn’t actually hate The Lion King, I was just trying to point out-

Here, I’ll write the post for you:
FUCK PIRATES! THIS MOVIE’S SHIT!
DISNEYLAND HAS LOST IT’S WAY!! WAAH WAAH WAAH!!

Stop it! I need to write something substantive.

Ooh, “substantive” - nice! Makes you sound so smart!

Use “nadir” next!

While not quite the nadir of Disney’s over-blown big-budget blockbusters in recent years (that dubious honor likely goes to 2013’s The Lone Ranger - notably also directed by Gore Verbinski,) the length and scope of the climax here goes - wait a minute, how did I get to the climax already!? Stop screwing around with me!

My apologies.

Anyway … While still an over-bloated mess, At World’s End, unlike its immediate predecessor, at least seems to have a general focus. That being the exploration of the seven seas and growing influence of capitalism (exemplified by the East India Trading Company, portrayed like a vile 19th century Weyland-Yutani Corporation) means the end of piracy, and with it romanticism and mythology. This can be seen in the strange but somewhat touching scene as Jack and Barbossa mourn the once-fearsome Kraken, now a rotting corpse on a beach (apparently slain by the British once they’d taken control of the Flying Dutchman.)

Nice! I’ve missed the deeper connections you used to make.

Remember how you connected the history of the Disney company

to Candleshoe? That was lovely!

 

Well, I wouldn’t call this a “deeper connection” - it’s all right there in the movie.

Besides, hardly anyone read the Candleshoe post.

 

Don’t pity yourself, it’s unattractive.

Also, the Alien reference may be stretching it.




Are you still sure the punctuation should go inside the parenthesis?

No! I mean, yes! No more discussion about that! On this blog, I put the period inside the parenthesis, and I’m sticking to it!

Anyway, there are several sequences where audiences are treated to Jack Sparrow talking to multiple copies of himself, in what are most likely hallucinations resulting from his trauma from the land of the dead-
 

You mean that de-saturated Arizona desert?

What was with that?

Now that you point it out, the entire sequence within Davy Jones’ locker (presumably a different destination than “regular” dead people end up in - I don’t know, it’s not explained in any way,) with dozens of Jack Sparrows crewing a grounded Black Pearl, seems like Disney cynically punishing audiences: “So, you want more Jack Sparrow? Well, here’s a bunch of him! Choke on him!”

Tee hee!

Yeah, none of those scenes made any sense.

Why didn’t Sparrowman just unfurl his wings

and fly out of there?

...

That’s not even funny - please stop. The portrayal of Jack Sparrow in this installment swings wildly from the cunning adventurer of the first film to a raving madman, which reaches a ridiculous zenith-

Zenith! I love it!

-when two cartoonish “devil vs. angel” Jacks appear on either of his shoulders, arguing over whether or not he should captain the Flying Dutchman. I almost lost it at this point in the film, feeling that a shark (or some other CG sea creature) had been jumped.

Obviously, I’d say you did lose it, buddy.

The rum probably didn’t help.

I only had a little!

Your drinking alone does concern me…

Yeah, I can hear him now: “But it’s Pirates Week!

I’m entitled!” What’ll be the excuse next time?

“Oh, it’s Lalla Ward’s birthday! Let’s watch City of Death

and down a bottle of White Zinfandel!”

Quiet, both of you!

The visuals in this film-
 

Too vague!

-the cinematography and camera work in this film are an improvement over those in the previous installment. Whereas Dead Man’s Chest was littered with a few too many slow-motion panning shots, this time around we are treated to a number of visually stunning images. These include a Chinese junk slowly making it’s way through a massive ice cavern, and beautiful ocean-vistas which belay the dangers inherent with high-seas piracy.

Talk about Keith Richards!

No. The single most baffling moment in this film (and so far of any other film I’ve reviewed) is right after Barbossa steers the Black Pearl over the “edge of the world” into the land of the dead, and before the forced “weirdness” of the Davy Jones’ locker sequences: as the ship plunges into darkness, the screen goes black and a brief “sound collage” of music and vocals from the original Disneyland attraction are heard. I actually had to shake my head and back the movie up to make sure I wasn’t imagining it, so out-of-nowhere came this … what do I even call it? Big budget fanwank? The movies are already filled with a number of “shout-outs” to the original attraction; besides the first films “jail scene” and treasure cave, the sequels include Tia Dalma’s cottage resembling the ride’s blue bayou scene, and half of the dialogue spouted off by Barbossa (“It be too late to alter course now, mateys,” etc.) The random blast of Walt-era audio here, however, is extremely strange.

Yeah, that was bizarre.

That was more fucked up than

when I turned into a penis!

Would you stop talking about the

damn Caballeros movie already? It’s pathetic.

Listen, man-in-leotard: once you’ve generated

billions of dollars in T-shirt sales,

then you can talk to me about who’s pathetic.

That’s enough - we’re distracting

from the creative process!

"The creative process!?" Hahahahah!!!

On a blog chock-full of copyrighted material?!

Hahahah!!

Hey! Fair use … or something.

Speaking of which, there haven’t been any pictures yet.

 

Oh, uhh, OK ... here:

Hilarious caption!

Oh, brother. Talk about pathetic...

Yeah, this entry’s a disaster. I’ve got two pages of viewing notes and instead of an insightful or entertaining review, I’ve got nearly five pages of me prattling on with figments of my imagination.



Did somebody say Imagination!?

No!

No!!

No! Well, maybe I’ll throw out some random thoughts-

Business as usual, then.

Uhm, Chow Yun-fat thinks Keira is Calypso, tries to rape her, makes her captain of his ship and dies … that’s weird. Then she’s voted pirate king and gives some half-assed speech to inspire all the pirates to fight the British. Elizabeth and Will are married by Barbossa in the middle of a frenetic battle scene … that’s, uhm … stupid. By the time Jack is arguing with himself in the brig, we’re all sick of him - a real shame for such an instantly iconic character. I really thought Will’s father, “Bootstrap” Bill (Stellan Skarsgård) was going to stab Jones’ heart, but instead Will does it and becomes captain of the Flying Dutchman (after a conjugal visit with Elizabeth on some random island,) in the process returning Jones' crew to human form. So apparently they were ludicrous-looking fish people because Davy Jones refused to do his job? Why didn’t they mutiny? Did they like looking like Street Sharks?

Don’t throw out a bunch

of rhetorical questions, it’s lazy.



I believe it’s called modus operandi.

The film’s finale (before a protracted denouement of almost Lord Of The Rings redundancy) features the villainous Cutler Beckett doing a slow-motion catwalk across the deck of his ship as both the Black Pearl and Will-captained Flying Dutchman blow it to smithereens around him. His miraculous march - as chunks of splintering, flaming wood fly around him - is as close as these films come to the destructo-porn that is a favored in modern blockbusters (Man Of Steel, the Transformers series, etc.)

We’re running rather long -

bring it home, succinctly.

 

Uhm, critics hated it, audiences emptied their wallets, ensuring that we’d keep getting increasingly worse sequels in the coming decade-

 

Hey, you haven't seen On Stranger Tides or
Dead Men Tell No Tales - you can't make that assumption!
I thought you were going to watch all of them this week?

No! I can’t take anymore Bruckheimer buccaneers!

 

That’s clever, I like that!

I think I’ve had too much-

Rum?

No, too many over-indulgent blockbusters all at once! I think the Pirates Of The Caribbean movies broke my brain! Look at me! I’m talking to a cartoon duck and a Michael Crawford!
 

You alone can make my song take fliiiiight…

Oh God, now one of them’s singing. Anyway, soon the beast would come to eat it’s own tail, so to speak-

What!? That makes about as much sense as 
the end of The Three Caballeros.
Have you heard of that one? It’s great!

 

-as in 2006 the original Pirates attraction at Disneyland (as well as its shorter cousin in Florida) received its own Jack Sparrow and Captain Barbossa animatronics, thereby making it a ride based on a movie based on the ride that’s now about the movie. I think I’ve gone cross-eyed.
 

…help me make the music of the niiiiight!

I’m done. Goodnight.

Adios, amigo.