A Whole New World I (The Theme Park Rundown, Pt. 1)

And so Started By A Condor has reached 60 posts - hooray for arbitrary numbers! Since post #1 was an introduction, however, I suppose this one would actually be “review #60” - except we won’t be reviewing anything today. Going back to an idea I had while starting the blog (pushed aside in my initial feverish dash to write too many reviews,) today we’ll begin a recurring series of entries looking back at the films we’ve reviewed so far and run down what presence (if any) each one has at Disney’s theme parks. Since tackling every one of these in one post would be tedious (to write and to read,) we’ll take them 10 at a time, with a new entry in the series every once in a while.

Sound like fun? Well, too bad, I’m doing it anyway.

So now come along with me as we journey into imagination (!?) and depart for the exotic cities of Anaheim, Orlando, Urayasu, Marne-Le-Valle, Penny’s Bay and Pudong for a journey through the turnstiles (or MagicBand readers,) as we go a-hunting for references!

Condorman
Looking first for a reference to our beloved blog namesake, we find … precisely diddly-squat. Seriously - there’s nothing in any of Disney’s 12 theme parks (or their resort hotels and shopping districts, as far as I  know) referencing our winged wonder. And why should there be? One of the requirements of a cult film, by definition, has to be it’s non-presence in the mainstream - and Disney doesn’t get much more obscure than Condorman (well, almost - let’s not bring up Midnight Madness just yet.) Unfortunately my emails to Walt Disney World management, urging them to re-paint the cars at the Tomorrowland Speedway to resemble the Condormobile, have thus far fallen on deaf ears.

We tried to start a meet and greet, but kids kept poking their eyes out on my wings!

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
Okay, this one’s much easier to spot. Disney’s original animated film features prominently in the theme park world, and has from day one. Beyond Snow White and the Dwarfs themselves making innumerable appearances in shows and parades, Snow White’s Adventures (later renamed Snow White’s Scary Adventures) was an opening day attraction at Disneyland, and still operates there today - albeit in a heavily-modified version partially based on Florida’s 1971 re-make. That version, which was first toned down in 1994 and then removed completely in 2012 (to make way for Princess Fairytale Hall, a meet-and-greet location,) is the one I find most fascinating.

Tasked by Roy Disney with replicating the three opening day dark-rides from Disneyland (after their original plans for ones based on Sleeping Beauty, Mary Poppins and the “Sleepy Hollow” segment of The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad were cut,) WED Enterprises’ Imagineers decided to alter them in different ways. Thus the new Peter Pan’s Flight became more detailed and scenic, and the Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride redux became twice as large (and twice as manic.) With their new Snow White ride, the Imagineers apparently decided to scare eager young riders shitless, as it featured wailing skeletons, a darkened cottage full of terrified forest animals, the shadow of a horned demon that chased the Dwarfs away (!), and a pursuit by a gaunt, relentlessly shrill Witch that leaped out suddenly at several points during the experience. At the ride’s conclusion, the Witch appeared above the ride track in the Dwarf’s mine, seeming to tip a giant diamond onto riders’ heads. This lead to the final room before riders departed, in which strobe lights flashed as the hag’s cackle echoed like a skipping record; basically, the Witch killed you. God, I’m sorry I missed this one!

We all float in here, dearies...

Versions of the ride exist in Disneyland Paris (Blanche-Neige et les Sept Nains - a clone of the current California version) and Tokyo Disneyland, which is an interesting hybrid of Florida’s original first half and California’s “happy ending.” Additionally, Magic Kingdom received a Seven Dwarfs Mine Train attraction in 2014 to replace it’s defunct dark-ride, which is a nicely detailed “family-friendly” roller coaster that was later duplicated at Shanghai Disneyland. It’s well worth a ride if you can snag a FastPass (you won’t see me waiting no two hours in line - I could be spending that time eating, like, 24 Citrus Swirls.)

The Adventures of Bullwhip Griffin
Well, you’d think one would be hard-pressed to find this little gem represented in the parks - and yet there exists a shout-out at Florida’s Magic Kingdom. Inside the Main Street train station, right at the front of the park, there is a railroad bulletin board chock-full of references to some of Disney’s older live-action films. Among them, there is a train that’s listed as arriving from “Bullwhip,” which is then then scheduled to depart for “Griffin Gulch” (and which is noted as having a flood delay.) A small reference, to be sure, but it’s better than nothing!

I'll probably be using this board a lot in coming posts...

The One and Only, Genuine, Original Family Band
Aarrgh!! Anyway, this excruciating musical doesn’t seem to have a direct reference in any of the parks, though the time period portrayed in the film isn’t too far off from Main Street’s turn-of-the-century ethos. I wouldn't be surprised if instrumental versions of one or more of it’s Sherman Brothers tunes have shown up in Main Street’s background-music loop at some point. Louis Armstrong did a jazzy cover of “Ten Feet Off the Ground” on his Disney Songs the Satchmo Way album … and he performed a few times at Disneyland … so there’s that.

Admission costs how much now!?!

Darby O'Gill And The Little People
Despite being ripe with fantasy (and touched by the hand of Walt Disney himself,) Darby O’Gill is sadly without direct theme park representation, as well. There is a tenuous link, however, between Walt’s effects-heavy film about Leprechauns and an easy-to-miss curio at Disneyland. In 1955, Little Golden Books published a story entitled The Little Man of Disneyland, a cute little piece of marketing that told the tale of a Leprechaun who was displaced by the construction of Disneyland - until Mickey, Goofy and Donald helped to re-locate the wee man into his own private tree inside the new park. A tiny door, window and chimney can still be spotted on a particular tree in Adventureland. Why a little Irish Leprechaun was living in California is still a mystery to me, though.



Canya believe I've godda drag meself all the way ter Califahrnia Adventure fer a wee nip?

Donald In Mathmagic Land
Perhaps no other entry in this post points to the futility of this exercise more than Donald In Mathmagic Land. I mean, am I serious? Well, the narrator here is Paul Frees, who also narrates The Haunted Mansion and the long-shuttered Adventure Through Inner Space - and his is still the voice heard as Pirates of the Caribbean’s pirate-auctioneer in both California and Florida (I imagine this not to be the case overseas, since those pirates don’t speak English.) Plus, if you look closely, you can see that tucked behind every cash register in Disney’s gift shops sits a basic numerical calculator. Math!

This building, Donald, is shaped like a square. MAG-NI-FI-CAY-SHUN!

A Goofy Movie
Brace yourselves ChildrenOfThe90z, but our beloved Goofy Movie is sadly underrepresented at the parks. There is a rarely-seen Max walk-around character that sometimes accompanies Goofy, though his purple pants indicate that this is the junior Goof circa the Goof Troop series, rather than its' feature film follow-up. However, the pair have been spotted doing impromptu performances of “the perfect cast” dance, sometimes accompanied by the film’s Powerline song “I2I” (especially on Father's Day in recent years.) As noted in my original review, the films “Lester’s Possum Park” is a bare-faced parody of Magic Kingdom’s Country Bear Jamboree, but we’re not looking for reverse-references here - and it’s not like Disney added a “Lester the Possum” animatronic to the Bear Band line-up or something. That’d be silly.

Nobody else but you...

Tarzan
Passing through Disneyland’s Adventureland on your way to New Orleans Square you’ll encounter a giant fake tree, containing the walk-through Tarzan’s Treehouse attraction. Opened to the public in June of 1999 (exactly one week after the release of its' namesake movie,) this one caused a minor bugaboo amidst Disneyland die-hards, as it was a quick-and-dirty re-theme of the cherished (if infrequently traversed) Swiss Family Treehouse attraction that had shaded the western edge of Adventureland since 1962. While the closure of older attractions to make way for new ones is part-and-parcel to the life expectancy of Disney’s parks, this example of budget Imagineering (instigated by then-Parks and Resorts chairman and miserly bottom-line feeder Paul Pressler - aka The Dark One) was an unfortunate harbinger of such future IP re-brandings as the Tower of Terror/Guardians of the Galaxy redesign, and the impending transformation of Paradise Pier into Pixar Pier (poor California Adventure can’t seem to catch a break!) On the other hand, the attraction proved a popular enough draw, and was copied as an opening-day attraction at Hong Kong Disneyland in 2005.

Evidence of a rushed makeover at Disneyland’s Treehouse soon came to light, however. Originally guests would ascend the attraction via a steep set of stairs that took you up into the Swiss Family Robinson’s jungle dwelling; for the Tarzan rebranding, however, a separate “rotting tree” (at least that what it looks like to me) was constructed out in front of the original, and guests would climb this before crossing a nerve-racking suspension bridge over to the main attraction. All fine and good - kids liked the new bridge, and it helped set the updated attraction apart from the original. However, the added stress of this extra structure soon took its' toll on the 37 year-old tree, and one day in March of 2007 the entire attraction was suddenly shut down without notice. It took crews over a year to assess and repair the structural damage. The attraction has operated without incident since then.

Tarzan and Jane: swingers

While the Treehouse in Florida’s Magic Kingdom has remained unaltered, Tarzan did inspire a memorably silly stage show at Animal Kingdom. Staged in the “Theater in the Wild” adjacent to Dinoland USA, Tarzan Rocks! (don’t ya love exclamation points slapped onto things?) featured energetic performers swinging on simulated vines, belting out less awesome renditions of Phil Collins’ songs from the film. Tarzan Rocks! ran for seven years before being replaced by a Finding Nemo musical show in 2007. But the likeliest reason it’s so fondly remembered can be summed up in two words: rollerblading monkeys.

Enchanted
Disney’s 2007 animated/live action rom/com is itself a treasure-trove of Disney references, but references to the film itself are lacking in the theme park world. In my review, I went into brief detail about Disney’s last-minute decision to pull Amy Adams’ Giselle from the roster of “official” Disney Princesses, primarily due to the fact that discerning theme park patrons (can you hear the sarcasm in my writing?) would call foul on a walk-around character who didn’t look like the actress. Since then, it’s been brought to my attention that both Disneyland and Walt Disney World did in fact have a Giselle character, who was featured in a “pre-parade” float promoting the film, which would preceed afternoon parades at Disneyland, Magic Kingdom and Hollywood Studios. Since then, the character has been a no-show, even at those ridiculously over-priced hard-ticketed events that annual passholders and Vacation Club members attend to stand in line for two hours to take pictures with “rare” walk-around characters. Various theories as to why this is the case are floating about in the internet’s ether - some say it’s because Disney’s feature animation didn’t do the animation in Enchanted, some say because the character’s elaborate dress is too expensive to maintain, others say it’s so they don’t have to pay royalties to Amy Adams (though this issue obviously hasn’t stopped Mary Poppins or Jack Sparrow characters from appearing - unless Amy Adams has a dynamite agent?)

I'm just as surprised as you!

A Far Off Place
It should be clear by now that we’d come up dry once again seeking any theme park references to Disney’s obscure 1993 adventure film. If you squint hard enough, one could possibly take portions of Animal Kingdom’s Kilimanjaro Safaris attraction as a close-enough substitute. And, as noted in my Animal Kingdom TV special post, the attraction did originally have a much heavier ivory-theft storyline behind it, which fit hand-in-hand with Disney’s “evil poachers as go-to villains” theme of the 1990s. Perhaps if one were to ride along with somebody who resembles a teenaged Reese Witherspoon or Ethan Embry, they could pretend … no, never mind, it’s not worth it.

Keep your eyes open, Mr. Giraffe - you might be replaced by a Marvel attraction any day now!

Well, that takes us through our first "Theme Park Rundown", and clearly we’re going to have our work cut out for us moving forward. As we’ve already seen, some movies have big, obvious rides and attractions, while others have more obscure references that typically go unnoticed by the casual guest; many, of course, have no presence whatsoever. Luckily, some of us have a gift for seeing references where none may actually exist!