Beauty And The Beast

Once upon a time, this blogger found it easy to write up brief and breezy reviews about the fantastic films of Disney, whether they be old favorites or new discoveries. As time passed, it became more difficult to find new and original things to say about some of the more popular movies that readers are already familiar with. When faced with a giant in the animated canon, it becomes that much more difficult to find a fresh approach in which to discuss it. One does not wish to repeat themselves and provide a laundry list of nitpicks (as was done with The Lion King,) nor a review that devolves into a gushing puff piece (Goofy Movie, I’m looking your way.)

Out of the blue, I was recently contacted by someone who was directly involved in the creation of one of Disney’s most beloved animated films - and who’s apparently a fan of this blog. I realized that here was an opportunity that could not be passed up: to discuss a modern classic with someone who actually lived the experience; to capture their thoughts on the sights, the sounds, and perhaps the magic of the creation of a milestone in motion picture history. I didn’t quite get that - but I got more ... a lot more.

What follows is a transcript of my interview with none other than Gaston, discussing his role in Disney’s legendary 1991 animated film, Beauty And The Beast.

No one takes a selfie like Gaston!

Started By A Condor: Well, good afternoon, Gaston - it's a real honor to be speaking with you today.

Gaston: Of course it is!

SBAC: Before we get under way, I wanted to clarify: should I call you Mr. Gaston? Or is Gaston your given name?

G: It’s … I’m Gaston!

SBAC: Okay then. So I hear that you’re a fan of Started By A Condor, is that right?

G: Well, yes! Gaston appreciates the work of a man with an obviously healthy ego. And you have lots of pictures to look at!

SBAC: Um, thanks, I suppose. So let’s get to it. How did Disney get in touch with you about their animated version of Beauty and the Beast?

G: Whoa, slow down blog man! First let me tell you about my great successes in making Belle my wife!

SBAC: Oh, so we’re jumping right into-

G: You know, beautiful women are automatically attracted to me — they just start kissing me. I’m like a magnet! No one gets smooched like Gaston!

SBAC: Uhm-

G: And when you’re a village star, they let you do it. You can do anything … like with Belle, I grabbed her by the book and woo’d her. You can do anything! She loved it!

No one admires a centerfold like Gaston!

SBAC: … I think we may be getting off topic. Should we talk about what it was like making a movie for Disney?

G: Disney, ha! They had me in that little movie they made, but they got it all wrong!

SBAC: Oh, they did? How-

G: When I finally saw their movie, I was barely in it! I was disgraced! Publicly rejected! I had so many more amazing songs about how great Gaston is - and they only used one! Why, when I was there, all the others-

SBAC: The other characters?

G: Quiet, you! All the others had sang songs about all the wonderful things Gaston can do! But none of them sang as well as me. No one belts out a ballad like Gaston! And then they went and changed everything that really happened!

SBAC: Really? Like what?

G: Pfft! “Like what?” Like everything! They made it out so Belle spurned my advances, when in fact she loved it! I drove her crazy! I had that little beauty eating out of the palm of my hand! Look at these mighty hands! Andreas referred to my hands-

SBAC: Andreas Deja, one of the lead character animators?

G: -to my hands as being on the small side, and that I had to wear big gloves in the film. But I guarantee you, blog man, there’s no problem - I guarantee. No one has bigger hands than Gaston!


No one shops for cookware like Gaston!

SBAC: Well, that’s … good to know-

G: My fingers are long, and beautiful - as are various other parts of my body!

SBAC: I really didn’t need to know-

G: Like I tell LeFou, I just have to tuck it in because of these tight pantaloons I wear-

SBAC: Whoa, okay! Let’s change topics! Why don’t we talk about your experiences actually making the movie?

G: Bah! Those mouse-men had some papers they called “a script” or something. But how could I read it? There were no pictures! Besides, they don’t write good. They have people over there, like Linda Woolverton and others, they don’t – they don’t write good. They don’t know how to write good.

SBAC: Um, well said?

G: After I saw what they wanted me to do, I had my own script written up!

SBAC: You did?

G: Of course! No one writes scripts like Gaston! <Hands over a wad of papers> I have it here - read it!

SBAC: Oh, may I? This is interesting, I never knew that you wrote your own … hmmm …

G: I can see you’re overcome with awe!

SBAC: Well … this is mostly drawings of you, from what I can tell. Did a 4-year old draw these for you?

G: Of course not - I did! No one draws like Gaston! I believe the Disney people call these “story boards.”

SBAC: Mmm, okay. Lots of drawings of you flexing your muscles-

G: No one flexes like Gaston!

SBAC: -and shooting animals with your bow and arrows-

G: No one hunts like Gaston!


No one double fist-bumps like Gaston!

SBAC: -and … well this is interesting. This looks like you and LeFou posing for what would later become the fountain that sits in the Magic Kingdom’s Fantasyland.


G: What? Let me see that! <Snatches the drawing and looks at it> Ah, this is actually one of LeFou’s drawings. Not sure how it got in here. He loves sketching me; posing with my trophies, wrestling, riding my horses with my shirt off...

SBAC: Ah, I see…

G: <Tosses the drawing back> Sometimes I envy dear LeFou - he gets the privilege of spending all his time with me; taking meals with me, bringing me more beer, getting me dressed each morning-

SBAC: He dresses you?

G: <Shakes his head> I know what you’re thinking. Yes, I know LeFou prefers the company of men - it’s fine with me.

SBAC: Oh really? I’m rather surprised that you’re OK with his sexuality.

G: <Waves a dismissive hand> Yes, yes, my fabulous friend happens to be gay - but I’m a traditionalist. It's not my thing. Many a weak-minded male finds himself helplessly drawn to me when in my presence. It can’t be helped. No one makes men go gay like Gaston!

SBAC: It … may be best to leave that alone for now. <Glances through some more drawings> This one appears to be the trio of young blonde women from the film, and ... what I’m assuming is supposed to be Belle. What are they doing?

G: Why, they are down on my bearskin rug, gazing up lustily as I down a hearty mug of ale! No one drinks and takes worship like Gaston!

SBAC: <Turns drawing sideways, then back> What’s wrong with their bodies?

G: Calm yourself, LeBlogger! Why, those beautiful girls are in the nude!

SBAC: Is this what you think women look like?

G: <Rolls eyes> Of course it is, you simple fool. I have a great respect for women! That’s why I offer them the chance to make their dreams come true! Beautiful women always have a tremendous time with me at my rustic hunting lodge!

SBAC: Really? What do they do there?

G: All things the women love! They massage my feet, cook big meals, clean my guns and trophies, wash the dogs … I have six or seven, you know?

SBAC: Women?

G: No, blogger - dogs.

No one mounts more animals than Gaston!

SBAC: <Sarcastically> And do these women do certain things for you in the bedroom, as well?

G: Well, yes - they pick up my laundry and tidy the bed sheets! What else!?

SBAC: Never mind. Do you find that many women talk to you?

G: Naturally! All of the women on the film set flirted with me, whether they realized it or not. That’s to be expected, of course!

SBAC: Sure. It seems as though Belle wasn’t particularly attracted to you-

G: Ah-haha! Belle simply played coy with me! She knows that no one plays games like Gaston, and made sport of it! She understands that as the only one as beautiful as I, she was destined to marry me and have six or seven strapping boys within a year!

SBAC: Within a year? How’s that possible?

G: Don’t ask me - I don’t know how the whole children thing works. That’s women's work!

No one flings steaming piles of woo like Gaston!

SBAC: Mmm. Why didn’t you ask out one of the blonde villagers? They seemed eager to spend time with you.

G: <Snickering> They’re sixes, at best! <Spits loudly> P'tooey!!

SBAC: Eew! You spit on me!

G: No one expectorates like Gaston!

SBAC: <Wiping spit off his pants> Jeez, how do you even know that word? Wait, didn’t you say earlier that Belle loved it when you grabbed her book? Now you’re saying she played hard to get?

G: Anything you’ve heard about Belle not falling in love with me is false news!

SBAC: “False news?”

G: Yes, false news spread by jealous, bad bonhommes! Very sad!

SBAC: Okay then.

G: <Furrows his brow> Hmmm … if I didn’t know better, I’d say that you feel superior to Gaston!

SBAC: No, not at all … I’m just trying to wrap my head around what you're-

G: <Suddenly rises from his chair and unsheathing a hunting knife> No one insults Gaston! It’s time to take some action! I won’t rest until the blogger’s dead! GOOD AND DEAD!

No one wields ornamental stone like Gaston!

SBAC: Hey, hey, wait a minute! Put that knife down, please!

G: Haha! What’s the matter, blogger!? Too kind and gentle to fight back!?

SBAC: I thought I was giving an interview!? What the hell are you doing?!

G: <Slashes threateningly with his knife> Did you honestly think she would read your blog, when she had someone like ME!?

SBAC: <Jumps behind his chair> What!? Who are you talking about? I was interviewing you for a blog!

G: <Laughs menacingly and leaps forward>

SBAC: <Falls backward, winded> D’ah! What are you doing!? What’s wrong with you!?!

G: <Kicks the chair aside> It’s over, blogger! <Forcibly presses his boot upon the blogger’s throat> BELLE IS MINE!!!

SBAC: <Hacks and gasps> You’re … hurting me … !

G: You were never a blogger! You were never even a man!!

SBAC: <Gurgles incomprehensibly>

G: <Pauses> Wait … what does that mean? Why are you saying that name!?

SBAC: <Coughs> Wh - what?

G: Why did you say Martha? Why did you say that name!? Why did you say Martha!?

SBAC: I didn’t! What the fuck are you talking about!?

Suddenly Belle runs in the room, her yellow hoopskirt swishing wildly.

Belle: It’s his mother’s name! It’s his mother’s name!

SBAC: Huh!?! No it’s not! My mom’s name is Donna!

G: <Straightening up> Belle! You're in such good shape! <Turns to the blogger> She's in such good physical shape. Beautiful! Wait ... are you in love with her, blogger!?!

SBAC: What’s going on here!? Dude, I’ve never seen this woman before in my life!

G: <Crouches menacingly over the blogger> Belle, tell the others to take whatever booty they can, but remember: the blogger is mine!

SBAC: <Giggles> Hehe … booty.

G: <Grabs the blogger by his ankle and drags him from the room> We’re not safe until the blogger’s head is mounted to my wall!

SBAC: What the hell!? Hey, come on! Belle, where are you!? I need help!

Belle: <Thumbs through the calendar on her iPhone> Hmm? Oh, sorry, can't - busy day ahead. I’ve got a photo-shoot for a new line of bath products in an hour, then I’ve got to appear before a princess-in-training to sing her a song about humility, then I’ve got to make it to Cinderella’s castle to induct a Latin American princess at three o’clock. Then back to Beast’s place to oversee the table set-up in the ballroom for tonight’s dinner service. <She then taps her brooch, which emits an electronic chirp> Merida, bring me up!

Belle then vanishes in a brief flash of sparkling pink light.

SBAC: <Shakes his head as he’s dragged out> I really need to get back to normal reviews ...

TV Detour #3 - Dateline: Disneyland

And suddenly, it all changed.

On the evening of Sunday July 17th, 1955, an estimated 90 million people gathered around their family television sets to watch a slap-dash live broadcast from what was, less than a year ago, an orange grove in the middle of a tiny town in California called Anaheim. Could they have known that what unfolded on that tiny black-and-white screen before them was a significant moment in history? That the labor of a small group of artists and workers would create something wholly unique that would forever alter the future of the entire entertainment industry? That one man’s desire to open a place for families to have fun that was surrounded by a railroad would change the world? Most likely not. Watching the historically significant broadcast of Dateline: Disneyland today can be bewildering and beautiful at the same time.

A source of joy and inspiration to all the world...

The previous year, Walt had made an agreement with the fledgling ABC network to broadcast a weekly anthology program, Walt Disney’s Disneyland (did ya get your name in there enough, Walt?), in exchange for help in funding the park. Every Sunday, ABC’s program provided glimpses at concept art, models and construction updates for Walt’s project, hyping up the expectations to a captive in-home audience. In a staggering feat of determination, Disney pushed the work crews and managed to just barely get his park up and running in 364 days. Additionally (and perhaps unwisely,) Disney had promised a spectacular debut for his namesake theme park, to be broadcast across the nation on live television, at the conclusion of this feverish construction. The largest live television broadcast yet attempted was put into production (involving, as host Art Linkletter put it, “literally miles and miles of cable” for everyone to trip over.) The scene at the park itself would go down in Disney history as “Black Sunday,” as the not-quite-finished Disneyland was hardly able to host the 28,000 guests that crowded the freshly-asphalted streets (double the officially invited number, thanks to a flood of easily-counterfeited tickets - never mind those who actually scaled the fences to get in.)

Well, are you better off than you were 62 years ago?

Viewers tuned in July 17th - and witnessed, for all intents and purposes, a great big mess. In his introduction, Linkletter prepares the audience for the coming difficulties, referring to their rehearsal from the previous day as “trying to film three erupting volcanoes at the same time … and you didn’t know they were going to erupt.” All throughout the chaotic production, viewers are witness to hosts running to hit their marks on time, sudden cuts to random camera feeds, and the sound jumping between live speeches, pre-recorded narration, and ghostly control-room chatter (or the occasional dead silence.) More than once, Linkletter can be seen desperately trying to locate a microphone, and co-host Bob Cummings continually missing his cues as he talks up female park-goers. The only one who seems to be on the ball in terms of timing is the third co-host, bow-tied future President Ronald Reagan - though he is also aided by a number of pre-written speeches that he carefully reads word-for-word from a large wad of paper. The others, meanwhile, are trying their best to recall what they were supposed to say as the overcrowded park falls apart around them - more often than not drifting into off-the-cuff nonsense (such as Linkletter erroneously indicating that both the Main Street buildings and the Railroad are “⅝ scale”, or Reagan noting that the horse riders heading toward Frontierland were a “part of our very historic past.”)

Disneyland is YOUR land ... but with MY name on it.

 

Who seems to be having the most fun, as he drifts in and out of the televised shenanigans, is Walt Disney himself. First appearing as he hops out of the engine of the Santa Fe & Disneyland Railroad, decked out in an Engineer’s cap and bandana, Walt excitedly tells Linkletter all about the fun he and Santa Fe railroad president Fred Gurley had been having zipping along the tracks that day. His world-famous dedication speech (commemorated, as all future theme park dedications would be, on a plaque near the park’s entrance) succinctly sums up what the entire Disneyland project was all about, and surely must’ve come as a relief to state aloud after a frantic year of planning and construction. Walt’s earnest delivery never fails to tug at the ol’ heartstrings for many a Disneyphile, even today. Following this, Walt can be seen reading off dedication plaques for each of the four remaining lands (which would end up not being placed in the park, for some reason,) his befuddlement at the televised disorder occasionally betraying his otherwise chummy demeanor. This is most clearly witnessed as his dedication of Tomorrowland, in which -  interrupted halfway through - he stares down someone off camera and bemoans “but I wa … I thought I got a signal …”

This place'll have more plaque than a dentist office!

 

Such confusion exemplifies the whole hour of Dateline: Disneyland, despite Walt and Co.’s attempts at staging a live entertainment spectacular. Following the park's dedication (which includes, incredibly, a blessing and prayer by a Chaplain,) a grand parade of bands, dancers and characters representing the various themed lands marches it’s way up Main Street, as Linkletter tries furiously to keep a running play-by-play going. Seeing the primitive costumed characters (in outfits originally designed for the Ice Capades) could potentially keep modern children (and their parents) up at night, so bizarre are such sights as a 2-person pantomime-horse style Pluto and a Dumbo with a head that looks like a massive, misshapen turnip. Evidently, not enough time was set aside to cover the entirety of the parade, and so Linkletter feverishly passes it over to Bob Cummings, who gives audiences a primer on how Disneyland’s “hub and spoke” layout works.

One, two, Dumbo's comin' for you...

 

A lot of time is dedicated to Frontierland, since the breakout success of Walt Disney’s Disneyland were it’s Davy Crockett episodes - and character-based synergy is by no means a new phenomenon in Disney’s theme parks. Riding in from the far end of Frontierland (which, thanks to wide expanses of sparse vegetation, looks more like an actual frontier town than it does today - save for the high-tension power lines visible beyond the tiny tree line,) Fess Parker and Buddy Ebsen, in character as Crockett and George Russell, lead a lengthy song-and-dance number honoring Crockett’s trusty rifle, “Ol’ Betsy” (which "Russell" says they just utilized to dispatch some “redskins ... just itching to lift our scalps.”) Following this comes Linkletter and actress Irene Dunne, christening the Mark Twain riverboat in a scene that rather perfectly encapsulates the entire day’s commotion. After commenting that the boat is “listing a little” (due to the overcrowded sternwheeler having no posted capacity limits,) Dunne calls Linkletter “Walt” and smashes a bottle upon the ship’s bitt (thanks, Google!) - as Linklater, arms spread, announces that the ship is now ready to set out across “the Rivers of the World … of America, that is!”

Mickey and Minnie flee the scene

Our drawn-out look at Frontierland concludes in front of a small sub-section at the area’s dead-end (each land was originally a cul-de-sac, only accessible from the hub,) optimistically called “New Orleans Street” - not to be confused with the brilliantly-realized New Orleans Square that was 11 years away. A rousing routine is tap-danced out in front of the pancake house (at one point a large Black dancer in a kerchief sashays out from the doorway, upon which an announcer suddenly blurts out “And here's Aunt Jemima!”) While the routine, set to brassy Dixieland jazz performed by the Firehouse Five Plus Two (a band composed of artists from Disney’s animation studio,) is certainly energetic, more poor planning meant that the performers had to squeeze between the hoards of guests fronting the restaurant and the tiny garden-fence surrounding the river. The Mardi Gras atmosphere obviously swept up Bob Cummings, as the camera catches him making out with a dancer (who makes a hasty exit as Cummings quickly tries to pass it over to "Ronnie Reegan".)

BUSTED!!

Next we take a look at the underdeveloped grouping of corporate-sponsored state fair exhibits that Disney had to pass off as Tomorrowland until the place got a proper facelift a decade later (it seems that this section of the park is in perpetual need of fixing up, unfortunately.) A view of the world from “the future year of 1986(!)," we are treated to a flag ceremony and band performance by the Boy Scouts of America, as well as a view of the hastily-prepared Phantom Boats that would ply a muddy Tomorrowland lagoon - future sight of the Submarine Voyage. Next, Cummings joins former Nazi scientist German physicist and “gentleman of great renown” Dr. Heinz Haber inside the Aluminum Hall of Fame (which would be located next to the Crane Company Bathroom of Tomorrow - seriously,) for a doomed attempt at making science fun; Haber’s son tosses a ping-pong ball onto a table topped with dozens of mousetraps, also loaded with ping-pong balls, in order to demonstrate an atomic chain-reaction. Clack! goes exactly one mousetrap, the pair of balls tapping silently to the floor. “Uhm...better try again” Haber mumbles, as a second attempt yields better, though far from stunning, results. Such was Disney’s luck that day that even physics failed to go right! Clearly, it would be a number of years until the company became adept at “edutainment.”

We don't need no stinkin' MaxPass!

A whimsical look at Fantasyland is saved for (almost) last, as the miniature drawbridge leading into Sleeping Beauty Castle is lowered for the first (of two) times in it’s history. A gathering of generic-looking fairytale characters, followed closely by hordes of unaccompanied children, stampede into the courtyard (which, at this point, looks a lot more like a plywood-constructed Renaissance fair than it would following an extensive re-design in 1983,) immediately overwhelming the waiting staff and television crews. As a medley of Disney songs blares over the soundtrack, panicked-looking cast members have to warn children to step back as King Arthur’s carrousel starts spinning, while Art Linkletter attempts to persuade Danny Thomas to ride Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride over his daughter’s shouts of “IS IT SCARY!??” At one point, Linkletter also has to ask a few kids to move out of the way of an approaching ride vehicle, before sending the camera back over to Bob Cummings. Cummings, meanwhile, is standing atop the Chicken of the Sea-sponsored Pirate Ship restaurant, chatting with an 18 year-old Bobby Driscoll while the camera focuses on an attractive blonde woman nearby. After some attempt is made to get the cameras and hosts aligned, Cummings gives up and passes it back to Linkletter, only then having to go into a play-by-play of Linkletter frantically running around the front of Mr. Toad, looking for a microphone.

Nothing says "fantasy" like a chain-link fence around a carnival ride!

The mayhem peters to an end, but not before we get an extremely brief look at Adventureland (“Didn’t we forget something?” Linkletter says to an already tired-looking Walt.) In the middle of a heaving crowd in front of The Jungle Cruise (Adventureland was, as it is now, a constantly congested bottleneck,) Cummings attempts to spout out something about the amazing journey that awaits guests seeking primitives in the wild, but is basically drowned out by crowd noise and a “jungle drums” soundtrack that is once again blasted too loudly. With mere minutes remaining in their timeslot, everyone involved seems like they just want it to end already, so no attempt is made to correct any of this. Back in front of the castle, Walt joins Linkletter (who says “Walt, you’ve made a bum out of Barnum!” as Walt laughs and looks at the ground - aww shucks,) before thanking the artists, the workers, and everybody who helped bring his dream to life. In spite of everything, Walt does seem genuinely relieved that they managed to get it open - even if there was clearly more work still to be done. The two men then sign off, waving, and turn to make their way toward Fantasyland - Walt grabbing at the back of his jacket as they walk, Linkletter’s microphone cable having wrapped halfway around him - as the program fades out.

Y'know, Art, this seems like a dandy place to pop the question...

With this auspicious beginning, a brand new art form was given a difficult start in front of a live viewing audience. Looking back, it’s clear that Disneyland, an evolution of the “amusement park” but really it’s own new genre of public entertainment, would need to go through some growing pains before reaching it’s full potential. Likewise, Walt realized that leaving first impressions up to chance (especially on live TV) could end in disaster, and so never again would Disney allow a live television special to compromise its spit-shined public image. While all of it’s parks and resorts would face their own problems and opening-day issues, none of them would be allowed to so openly parade them in front of the entire world. Thus Disney would quickly learn to control and perfect how it presented Walt’s park (and its offspring) to the world, perhaps inevitably leading to more lavish and over-the-top specials in the coming decades.



The man and his moat

 

While initial reviews of both the park and the opening telecast were understandably mixed, once again Walt had a sense of what his audience wanted. Within two months, a million guests had already passed through the park’s hastily-paved main entrance. Soon, Walt Disney Productions, which up to this point had always been one of the more cash-strapped companies in Hollywood, would find perpetual financial stability through its theme park division, and a beloved but relatively small movie studio could now call itself a truly multimedia enterprise. While the artists who brought the park to life (whom Walt would soon dub his “Imagineers”) may have cut their teeth in the film industry, they would soon find themselves more often than not stretching the boundaries of urban design and entertainment technology. Those involved in its creation, as well as those who would one day work at, visit, study or dream of going to Disneyland, would never be the same again. For Walt Disney, who looked like a kid at Christmas when things were going right on opening day, his dream had actually come true - against incredible odds and an arduous birth. We who enjoy the ever-growing fruits of these labors will continue to benefit now and forever.

All aboooooooooard!!

Robin Hood

Ask any Disney fan (or moviegoer in general) what their favorite animated film is, and you’re sure to get many of the usual answers:

-“I love Beauty And The Beast!” Understandable.
-“I’ve always been partial to Snow White.” A fine film, Grandpa.
-”Gotta love Aladdin!” Rock on, #ChildOfThe90z.
-“Shrek is one of my all-time favorites!” Well, not Disney, but I guess it counts ... harumph.
-“Frozen really speaks to me.” I enjoy it also - now where are your parents?
-“OMG I ❤ Minions!” Get out of my house.

Ask anyone about Disney’s 1973 animated comedy, Robin Hood, and you’ll most likely get a response along the lines of “Oh yeah - I used to watch that all the time when I was a little kid.” In fact, I can’t think of many films that so many people have all seen and enjoyed in their youth, and then dismissed (or forgotten, more accurately,) than Robin Hood. What is it that has made this film so continuously favored, and yet unpopular at the same time?

A more believable romance than Bloom and Knightley

Disney’s second film version of the English literary hero (the first being a lackluster live-action production from 1952, the studio’s second full-length live action feature following Treasure Island,) the film uses anthropomorphic animals to tell a heavily modified version of the original story. To be more precise, Disney’s Robin Hood tells a more-or-less original story utilizing a selection of characters and situations from the folklore tales, but blends them with a rowdy American South ethos that was gaining traction in US cinema at the time. Witness how director Wolfgang Reitherman (and a team of seven screenwriters) do away with all of Robin’s “Merrie Men” save for Little John, reimagining the pair as a medieval Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. While there are a few British voices to be heard, the cast is liberally sprinkled with American voices familiar from roles in westerns. The most obvious sign of this cultural mélange shows in the characterization of the Sheriff of Nottingham, here a bloated, tin star-wearing wolf voiced by Green Acres’ Pat Buttram, whom one could easily imagine flopping into a squad car and chasing down Smokey and the Bandit.

No one I think is in my tree...

The titular character is voiced with rogue charm by Brian Bedford, an English actor primarily associated with the stage. Sounding for all intents and purposes like an animated version of Errol Flynn's iconic take on the character, Bedford’s Robin is nonetheless a solid anchor for a diverse voice cast. The fact that Bedford voices the foxy thief as a dashing romantic (rather than a wacky adventurer) seems to place the character above the cartoonish shenanigans going on around him. Following the archery competition, for example, Robin goes for the straight “rescue the damsel” routine while fending off his foes with a sword; this happens as the rest of the characters find themselves in an increasingly over-the-top melee scored to USC’s football anthem “Fight Song.”

Lady Kluck exposes herself

English actress Monica Evans, in her final film role as the voice of Maid Marian, also plays the character as a straightforward (though glamourous - for a fox) leading-lady. Contrasted to the more goofy vocal performance of Carole Shelley (as Marian’s spirited lady-in-waiting, Lady Kluck,) Evans matches Bedford’s “marquee idol” take on the character. With the romantic leads played completely straight, we’re obviously a long way from the comical anthropomorphic characters of Disney’s Mickey Mouse shorts.

Ask your doctor if Cialis is right for you.

Phil Harris is back as Little John following memorable performances in The Jungle Book and The Aristocats - and he’s basically playing Baloo again. Heck, even Little John’s character design is the same as the Jungle Book’s “Papa Bear,” just with a different color and a tunic-and-hat combo slapped on. Harris’ Little John does get a few good moments in, especially when he disguises himself, first as an extremely well-endowed gypsy woman, then as a foppish lord in an undersized pink outfit. Come to think of it, he wears this ruffled, skin-tight get-up again to Robin’s wedding in the film’s conclusion; Little John obviously has a thing for dressing effeminately. Good for him!

*Honk*

The great Peter Ustinov, five years off of Blackbeard duty for Disney, is clearly having a grand old time as the greedily ineffectual Prince John. His violent raving and juvenile thumb-sucking tops everyone else in the cast for pure bombast, but works to elevate Robin Hood from a mildly amusing trifle to an honestly funny romp.

I suck softly, but I carry a big stick!

The rest of the cast is comprised of voices from familiar character actors. Andy Devine, who often played comedic second-banana characters in a number of Hollywood westerns, gives a warm late-career performance as bastion of morality, Friar Tuck (here a befuddled badger.) Comedic Brit Terry-Thomas puts in a suitably reptilian performance as Prince John’s put-upon lackey, Sir Hiss - whose gap-toothed grin mimics the actor’s own trademark look. Disney stalwarts John Fielder and Barbara Luddy (familiar as the voices of Piglet and Kanga from Winnie The Pooh, among other films) also make brief appearances as the church-mouse Sexton and his wife, respectively. And country crooner Roger Miller appears as town minstrel (and Cock-of-the-walk) Alan-a-Dale, providing a deep, drawling vocal in both speaking and singing roles.

Hiss goes where no snake has gone before ... hopefully ...

Said-same music plays a large role in making Robin Hood a laid-back affair. The score by Disney stand-by composer George Bruns adds touches of lush romanticism, with low horns and strings used to represent Robin and Marian’s love-story. Meanwhile, the twangy acoustic guitar numbers by Miller get stuck in your head almost instantaneously - no doubt why a sped-up version of the film’s opening song “Whistle-Stop” was utilized for one of the internet’s earliest memes, the dreaded “Hamster Dance” (you know the one: “Dee-ba dee da-dee da doh doh, dee ba-dilly doh!” … or something like that.) Also of note, the "Phoney King of England" sequence, while set to an entertainingly silly song, is rife with budget-saving animation re-traced from some of Disney's previous films.

What're you guys, like a cover band or something?

The flip-side of this is the song “Not In Nottingham,” a surprisingly elegiac ballad accompanying one of the saddest sequences in Disney’s animated canon. The scene in which most of the townspeople are thrown into debtor's prison is one of those moments that, when viewed in childhood, seems simple enough; "that mean old Prince John has locked up the good citizens of Nottingham! We need Robin Hood to save the day!" However, viewing it as an adult, the dreary images of shackled elderly couples and groups of starving children hits a melancholy chord that makes this scene surprisingly difficult to watch.

It was like some beautiful bird flapped into our drab little cage
and made those walls dissolve away...

As said before, there’s hardly a Disney fan alive who hasn’t seen Robin Hood at some point. An easy-to-digest movie, it’s an early favorite of many. Just as many of a certain age can all relate to the first time they were gut-punched when watching Bambi, so too do grins of recognition cross many faces when “Disney’s cartoon Robin Hood” is brought up. Even watching the movie for the zillionth time as an adult, it’s easy to understand why: beyond the deceptively depressing “Not In Nottingham,” the rest of the film plays like an extended Saturday morning cartoon, with simple-to-comprehend antics that are mostly played for laughs. That’s not to say that the film is without drama - the fiery finale, which sees both Prince John and the Sheriff at their nastiest, provides plenty of last-minute tension that young viewers are thrilled by.

Burn, motherfucker, burn...

On the whole, however, the villains are not too villainous, the danger is not too dangerous, and the humor is kept broad to keep children entertained. The resulting breeziness of the film leads it to be categorized as “kiddy fare,” remembered as lightweight entertainment lacking in emotional depth. Whether such a label is completely deserved is questionable, however. I've actually found the film to offer plenty of dramatic resonance, only it doesn't display it as melodramatically as other animated fare. For many, Robin Hood will forever exude a feeling of effortless fun that makes it just as memorable as the studio's more ambitious efforts - more so than many of Disney’s other animated efforts in the ‘70s.

Johnny Tremain

If you'll allow me a moment of cynicism? Thank you.

The world, for all intents and purposes, is a cesspool, and it always has been. However, occasionally history produces groups or individuals that manage to raise their eyes above the drudgery of the everyday, and realize that the status-quo does not have to be so. Besides the well-known figures that recorded history has burned into the popular mindset, there are those - let’s call them little guys, for lack of a better descriptor - who worked from the sidelines - unheralded but just as essential to the progress of history. A fictional account of individuals like this, Disney’s 1957 film Johnny Tremain, serves as a good reminder of the kind of spirit that the United States of America may need now - today more than ever.

Based on the 1944 young-adult novel by Esther Forbes, the film dramatizes the beginnings of the American revolution as seen through the eyes of a young silversmith’s apprentice. The title role is played by 17-year old Hal Stalmaster, a talented young would-be star who, I was shocked to learn, only has six acting credits to his name. While not the best teenage actor I’ve seen, Stalmaster has that indefinable element of charisma that makes one instantly believe him in the role of the reluctant young patriot. Johnny is an interesting character, not so much for his transformation from business-minded bystander to a rebellious Son of Liberty, but for the fact that he comes across as such a likeable protagonist despite his rather passive role in the film. That’s not to say he isn’t involved in the story - far from it, as Johnny is the one that signals to his fellow dissenters to proceed with the planned “Boston Tea Party,” before joining in himself. Yet Johnny’s primary role in the story is to serve as a “fly on the wall” for the audience, a cypher in which to witness the events leading up to the revolutionary war. It’s a tried and true device with which to pull audiences (and children) into historical reenactments, focusing the narrative from a relatable, “common person” point-of-view.

Hmmm ... that barista spelled my name wrong!

The rest of the tri-cornered hatted supporting cast all do a bang-up job of invoking the spirit of the time period (in spite of a few decidedly Californian accents.) It’s somewhat jarring to see Luana Patten (playing Priscilla Lapham, the granddaughter of Johnny's master,) familiar from prior appearances in Disney’s Song Of The South, Fun And Fancy Free and So Dear To My Heart, suddenly go from “cute little girl” in those prior films to a 19-year old love interest here. Patten and Stalmaster share a fun chemistry, treating each other more like annoyed siblings until war breaks out. Also startling was the post-film realization that Johnny’s fired-up freedom-fighter friend, Rab Silsbee (who dies in battle in the original book, but makes it to the end of the film version unscathed - YE OLDE SPOILERS,) is played by a very young Richard Beymer - later of West Side Story and David Lynch’s Twin Peaks.

Youth looking for hope...

The famed Sons of Liberty are played by a roster of character actors, including a dedicated Jeff York as James Otis, who passionately delivers the story’s well-known soliloquy that the patriots “will give all we have . . . even life itself - only that a man can stand." Surprisingly, the British are portrayed in a fairly sympathetic manner, with the honorable Major Pitcairn (played by Geoffrey Toone) noting, somewhat unbelievably, “we have been vanquished by an idea - human rights.” I’m more partial, however, to an exclamation by a befuddled redcoat earlier in the film, heard to exclaim “the impudence of these gawking Yankee doodles!”

Bloody yanks!

Early in the film, Johnny’s hand becomes deformed during a smelting accident - an accident which came as a result of several pig-headed choices by everyone other than poor Johnny. First off, the despicable businessman Jonathan Lyte (played by Sebastian Cabot - we’ll get to him momentarily) brings in a broken cup, wishing it to be repaired more quickly than Johnny’s past-his-prime master, Mr. Lapham (always curmudgeon Will Wright,) can manage. Needing the money (and over a barrel, as Lyte is their landlord,) they accept the job. Johnny, determined to get the job done right, wishes to work on the cup after shop-hours, but Lapham demands that he read the Bible instead, preaching humility above pride (the hypocritical old zealot.) In order to get the job done, Johnny skips church on Sunday to work on the cup, aided by Priscilla and her mother (Virginia Christine.) Panicking when the town constable is spotted at the end of the street (as it was apparently against the law to skip church - this being the “religious freedom” the pilgrims sought in the new world,) Mrs. Lapham knocks over the mold full of molten silver onto Johnny’s hand. The burn is so severe, that it fuses his fingers together. No longer able to continue his apprenticeship (and despite the fact that he is a bright, hard-working young man who's able to read,) no one in town will hire him on due to his small handicap; in other words, what the world would still be like today if American industry was free of regulation.

They should call this movie "Johnny Deformed."

The aforementioned Mr. Lyte, haughtily played by Disney favorite Cabot, is truly a despicable asshole - the very definition of a fat-cat. A brief subplot involves Johnny revealing to the businessman that they are distantly related, presenting a Lyte family heirloom (given to him by his mother) as proof. Lyte, in return, has the youth arrested for robbery, and at the following trial (in which Johnny is defended by Josiah Quincy, a compatriot of fellow-silversmith Paul Revere; the Sons of Liberty believing in free legal counsel,) demands that Johnny be hanged for his alleged crime. Johnny is only let off because the level-headed judge believes Priscilla’s testimony that he had confessed his secret lineage to her prior to the date of the supposed burglary. A bloated, quick-to-anger toddler in adult’s clothing, Lyte feels that his word as a winning and wealthy businessman should be justification enough for his despicable behavior.

At least he's not orange...

As a red-blooded American (whatever the hell that means,) watching the film unfold I couldn’t help but feel a bit of the old “Spirit of ‘76” bubble up from some spot in my gut I’ve tried my best to smother. Understanding that Johnny Tremain is a family film made in the unenlightened 1950s by a big company headed by a staunch anti-communist, I still had the overarching feeling that a story like this - focusing on the patriotic spirit of the events portrayed (rather than the absolute historical fact) - may be what’s needed today. I hold no pretentions that this (or any) movie accurately portrays history as it happened, since the past is just as complicated and miserable as the present - and I don’t think anyone should depend on movies (or theme park shows,) be they from Disney or anyone else, to learn about history. Instead, they should be seen as a means to inspire those interested into seeking out further readings from which to glean a better understanding of history.

A 6pm ADR just opened up at the Liberty Tree Tavern!

While the high-minded founding fathers portrayed in the film were no doubt as biased and bigoted in reality as posterity has documented, it is the spirit of their words that has been echoing across the centuries. Those rebellious individuals, who were unafraid to stand up to an out-of-touch group of too-rich and too-powerful tyrants, declared their independence by proclaiming that “We (a collective pronoun) hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men (perhaps originally indicating male landowners, but expanded to be inclusive of everyone in the following years - a fact that's clear to anyone with half a brain) are created equal…” And remember, these statements were not followed by an asterisk, or some footnote that said “except Women, Homosexuals, Transgendered, Blacks, Mexicans, the poor, the uninsured, news reporters, or anyone who pisses off the current leadership.” While the sentiments of the founding fathers unfortunately weren't initially all-inclusive, the words as written are what must be taken to heart and put to practice now, providing us guiding lights that glow as hopefully as the lanterns hung upon the Liberty Tree did back in the 1700s; a glow that should shine much brighter than the dim light of a cell phone screen displaying the reprehensible ramblings of an entitled coward spewed onto Twitter.

So my apologies if I’ve offended anyone from my soap-box - but it is my blog, after all - so I can say whatever the hell I want. I can thank the First Amendment (and some long-dead but long-remembered patriots in tri-cornered hats) for that.

Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End

Okay, time to finish this thing. One last blog entry for Pirates Week - didn’t think I’d get it out in time. Man, getting through these last couple of movies was tough. There’s only so many loud CG sea-battles one can take before it gets dull.

Okay, so intro … intro ... should I be funny? Er, try to be funny? Maybe just a quick “Avast, let’s review 2007’s Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World’s End?”  No, needs more than that.

Ceci n'est pas une Jack Sparrow.

 

 

No, it's fine. You Always ramble on too long anyway.
Keep the introduction short.

What was that?
 

Don’t listen to him, you’re doing fine.

Thanks! Wait, what? Well, never mind.

Okay, what to talk about … what to talk about ...
 

Do a plot summary!

Oh for Christ's sake, no! No one wants to read a plot summary!
Either they've seen the movie or they don't give a shit.

The movie stars Johnny Depp as bilge rat scurvy sea dog pirate Captain Jack Sparrow, who is to be rescued from Davy Jones’ locker by his frienemies, Will Turner (Orlando Bloom,) Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightley) and Captain Hector Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) - who’s now alive, because magic. Chow Yun-fat appears as pirate lord Sao Feng, in an extended opening sequence set in a fanciful, set-bound recreation of Singapore.
 

Yeah yeah, the gang's all here:
Bill Nighy is Squidward Von Spaghetti Monster,
Jack Davenport is "Nobody Cares" Norrington,
Tom Hollander is the other British guy I can't be bothered to remember.

Wait, is he the new Spider-Man?

No, that’s Tom Holland - I can see how you’d get confused.

Doesn’t take much. Anyway, Tom Holland was probably

a newborn when this came out.

Also in a somewhat expanded role is Naomie Harris as Tia Dalma, who turns out to be the human vessel for the goddess Calypso, former lover of Davy Jones. She is freed from her Earthly form, basically to have a reason for a giant whirlpool to appear in the middle of the ocean and serve as a backdrop for the protracted climax (“Maelstrom!” one of the pirates cries out, reminding me of a recently closed EPCOT attraction.)

No! No goddamn EPCOT references!
Do you know how pissed I am that you
shoehorned your whining about EPCOT Center

into the review of my amazing adventures
in Mathmagic Land!? Hey, stop linking!

Oh sure, “amazing adventure”... nobody likes Mathmagic Land.

Hey! At least they liked The Three Caballeros post!

Not like you'd know anything about that,
Mr. Seven Views.

I’m a cult classic, so there.



Cult classic my ass, you stupid-



Hey! I’m trying to write about Pirates!

How the hell is this any way to finish Pirates Week?
 

Pirates Week - nobody cares.

Just write an angry review with lots of swearing!

Everyone fucking loves it when you get mad!

That’s not true!

I think a lot of readers enjoyed the Goofy Movie post.

Pfft! The Parent Trap! The Lion King!

Most popular posts! He hated 'em!

Well I didn’t actually hate The Lion King, I was just trying to point out-

Here, I’ll write the post for you:
FUCK PIRATES! THIS MOVIE’S SHIT!
DISNEYLAND HAS LOST IT’S WAY!! WAAH WAAH WAAH!!

Stop it! I need to write something substantive.

Ooh, “substantive” - nice! Makes you sound so smart!

Use “nadir” next!

While not quite the nadir of Disney’s over-blown big-budget blockbusters in recent years (that dubious honor likely goes to 2013’s The Lone Ranger - notably also directed by Gore Verbinski,) the length and scope of the climax here goes - wait a minute, how did I get to the climax already!? Stop screwing around with me!

My apologies.

Anyway … While still an over-bloated mess, At World’s End, unlike its immediate predecessor, at least seems to have a general focus. That being the exploration of the seven seas and growing influence of capitalism (exemplified by the East India Trading Company, portrayed like a vile 19th century Weyland-Yutani Corporation) means the end of piracy, and with it romanticism and mythology. This can be seen in the strange but somewhat touching scene as Jack and Barbossa mourn the once-fearsome Kraken, now a rotting corpse on a beach (apparently slain by the British once they’d taken control of the Flying Dutchman.)

Nice! I’ve missed the deeper connections you used to make.

Remember how you connected the history of the Disney company

to Candleshoe? That was lovely!

 

Well, I wouldn’t call this a “deeper connection” - it’s all right there in the movie.

Besides, hardly anyone read the Candleshoe post.

 

Don’t pity yourself, it’s unattractive.

Also, the Alien reference may be stretching it.




Are you still sure the punctuation should go inside the parenthesis?

No! I mean, yes! No more discussion about that! On this blog, I put the period inside the parenthesis, and I’m sticking to it!

Anyway, there are several sequences where audiences are treated to Jack Sparrow talking to multiple copies of himself, in what are most likely hallucinations resulting from his trauma from the land of the dead-
 

You mean that de-saturated Arizona desert?

What was with that?

Now that you point it out, the entire sequence within Davy Jones’ locker (presumably a different destination than “regular” dead people end up in - I don’t know, it’s not explained in any way,) with dozens of Jack Sparrows crewing a grounded Black Pearl, seems like Disney cynically punishing audiences: “So, you want more Jack Sparrow? Well, here’s a bunch of him! Choke on him!”

Tee hee!

Yeah, none of those scenes made any sense.

Why didn’t Sparrowman just unfurl his wings

and fly out of there?

...

That’s not even funny - please stop. The portrayal of Jack Sparrow in this installment swings wildly from the cunning adventurer of the first film to a raving madman, which reaches a ridiculous zenith-

Zenith! I love it!

-when two cartoonish “devil vs. angel” Jacks appear on either of his shoulders, arguing over whether or not he should captain the Flying Dutchman. I almost lost it at this point in the film, feeling that a shark (or some other CG sea creature) had been jumped.

Obviously, I’d say you did lose it, buddy.

The rum probably didn’t help.

I only had a little!

Your drinking alone does concern me…

Yeah, I can hear him now: “But it’s Pirates Week!

I’m entitled!” What’ll be the excuse next time?

“Oh, it’s Lalla Ward’s birthday! Let’s watch City of Death

and down a bottle of White Zinfandel!”

Quiet, both of you!

The visuals in this film-
 

Too vague!

-the cinematography and camera work in this film are an improvement over those in the previous installment. Whereas Dead Man’s Chest was littered with a few too many slow-motion panning shots, this time around we are treated to a number of visually stunning images. These include a Chinese junk slowly making it’s way through a massive ice cavern, and beautiful ocean-vistas which belay the dangers inherent with high-seas piracy.

Talk about Keith Richards!

No. The single most baffling moment in this film (and so far of any other film I’ve reviewed) is right after Barbossa steers the Black Pearl over the “edge of the world” into the land of the dead, and before the forced “weirdness” of the Davy Jones’ locker sequences: as the ship plunges into darkness, the screen goes black and a brief “sound collage” of music and vocals from the original Disneyland attraction are heard. I actually had to shake my head and back the movie up to make sure I wasn’t imagining it, so out-of-nowhere came this … what do I even call it? Big budget fanwank? The movies are already filled with a number of “shout-outs” to the original attraction; besides the first films “jail scene” and treasure cave, the sequels include Tia Dalma’s cottage resembling the ride’s blue bayou scene, and half of the dialogue spouted off by Barbossa (“It be too late to alter course now, mateys,” etc.) The random blast of Walt-era audio here, however, is extremely strange.

Yeah, that was bizarre.

That was more fucked up than

when I turned into a penis!

Would you stop talking about the

damn Caballeros movie already? It’s pathetic.

Listen, man-in-leotard: once you’ve generated

billions of dollars in T-shirt sales,

then you can talk to me about who’s pathetic.

That’s enough - we’re distracting

from the creative process!

"The creative process!?" Hahahahah!!!

On a blog chock-full of copyrighted material?!

Hahahah!!

Hey! Fair use … or something.

Speaking of which, there haven’t been any pictures yet.

 

Oh, uhh, OK ... here:

Hilarious caption!

Oh, brother. Talk about pathetic...

Yeah, this entry’s a disaster. I’ve got two pages of viewing notes and instead of an insightful or entertaining review, I’ve got nearly five pages of me prattling on with figments of my imagination.



Did somebody say Imagination!?

No!

No!!

No! Well, maybe I’ll throw out some random thoughts-

Business as usual, then.

Uhm, Chow Yun-fat thinks Keira is Calypso, tries to rape her, makes her captain of his ship and dies … that’s weird. Then she’s voted pirate king and gives some half-assed speech to inspire all the pirates to fight the British. Elizabeth and Will are married by Barbossa in the middle of a frenetic battle scene … that’s, uhm … stupid. By the time Jack is arguing with himself in the brig, we’re all sick of him - a real shame for such an instantly iconic character. I really thought Will’s father, “Bootstrap” Bill (Stellan Skarsgård) was going to stab Jones’ heart, but instead Will does it and becomes captain of the Flying Dutchman (after a conjugal visit with Elizabeth on some random island,) in the process returning Jones' crew to human form. So apparently they were ludicrous-looking fish people because Davy Jones refused to do his job? Why didn’t they mutiny? Did they like looking like Street Sharks?

Don’t throw out a bunch

of rhetorical questions, it’s lazy.



I believe it’s called modus operandi.

The film’s finale (before a protracted denouement of almost Lord Of The Rings redundancy) features the villainous Cutler Beckett doing a slow-motion catwalk across the deck of his ship as both the Black Pearl and Will-captained Flying Dutchman blow it to smithereens around him. His miraculous march - as chunks of splintering, flaming wood fly around him - is as close as these films come to the destructo-porn that is a favored in modern blockbusters (Man Of Steel, the Transformers series, etc.)

We’re running rather long -

bring it home, succinctly.

 

Uhm, critics hated it, audiences emptied their wallets, ensuring that we’d keep getting increasingly worse sequels in the coming decade-

 

Hey, you haven't seen On Stranger Tides or
Dead Men Tell No Tales - you can't make that assumption!
I thought you were going to watch all of them this week?

No! I can’t take anymore Bruckheimer buccaneers!

 

That’s clever, I like that!

I think I’ve had too much-

Rum?

No, too many over-indulgent blockbusters all at once! I think the Pirates Of The Caribbean movies broke my brain! Look at me! I’m talking to a cartoon duck and a Michael Crawford!
 

You alone can make my song take fliiiiight…

Oh God, now one of them’s singing. Anyway, soon the beast would come to eat it’s own tail, so to speak-

What!? That makes about as much sense as 
the end of The Three Caballeros.
Have you heard of that one? It’s great!

 

-as in 2006 the original Pirates attraction at Disneyland (as well as its shorter cousin in Florida) received its own Jack Sparrow and Captain Barbossa animatronics, thereby making it a ride based on a movie based on the ride that’s now about the movie. I think I’ve gone cross-eyed.
 

…help me make the music of the niiiiight!

I’m done. Goodnight.

Adios, amigo.