Beauty And The Beast

Once upon a time, this blogger found it easy to write up brief and breezy reviews about the fantastic films of Disney, whether they be old favorites or new discoveries. As time passed, it became more difficult to find new and original things to say about some of the more popular movies that readers are already familiar with. When faced with a giant in the animated canon, it becomes that much more difficult to find a fresh approach in which to discuss it. One does not wish to repeat themselves and provide a laundry list of nitpicks (as was done with The Lion King,) nor a review that devolves into a gushing puff piece (Goofy Movie, I’m looking your way.)

Out of the blue, I was recently contacted by someone who was directly involved in the creation of one of Disney’s most beloved animated films - and who’s apparently a fan of this blog. I realized that here was an opportunity that could not be passed up: to discuss a modern classic with someone who actually lived the experience; to capture their thoughts on the sights, the sounds, and perhaps the magic of the creation of a milestone in motion picture history. I didn’t quite get that - but I got more ... a lot more.

What follows is a transcript of my interview with none other than Gaston, discussing his role in Disney’s legendary 1991 animated film, Beauty And The Beast.

No one takes a selfie like Gaston!

Started By A Condor: Well, good afternoon, Gaston - it's a real honor to be speaking with you today.

Gaston: Of course it is!

SBAC: Before we get under way, I wanted to clarify: should I call you Mr. Gaston? Or is Gaston your given name?

G: It’s … I’m Gaston!

SBAC: Okay then. So I hear that you’re a fan of Started By A Condor, is that right?

G: Well, yes! Gaston appreciates the work of a man with an obviously healthy ego. And you have lots of pictures to look at!

SBAC: Um, thanks, I suppose. So let’s get to it. How did Disney get in touch with you about their animated version of Beauty and the Beast?

G: Whoa, slow down blog man! First let me tell you about my great successes in making Belle my wife!

SBAC: Oh, so we’re jumping right into-

G: You know, beautiful women are automatically attracted to me — they just start kissing me. I’m like a magnet! No one gets smooched like Gaston!

SBAC: Uhm-

G: And when you’re a village star, they let you do it. You can do anything … like with Belle, I grabbed her by the book and woo’d her. You can do anything! She loved it!

No one admires a centerfold like Gaston!

SBAC: … I think we may be getting off topic. Should we talk about what it was like making a movie for Disney?

G: Disney, ha! They had me in that little movie they made, but they got it all wrong!

SBAC: Oh, they did? How-

G: When I finally saw their movie, I was barely in it! I was disgraced! Publicly rejected! I had so many more amazing songs about how great Gaston is - and they only used one! Why, when I was there, all the others-

SBAC: The other characters?

G: Quiet, you! All the others had sang songs about all the wonderful things Gaston can do! But none of them sang as well as me. No one belts out a ballad like Gaston! And then they went and changed everything that really happened!

SBAC: Really? Like what?

G: Pfft! “Like what?” Like everything! They made it out so Belle spurned my advances, when in fact she loved it! I drove her crazy! I had that little beauty eating out of the palm of my hand! Look at these mighty hands! Andreas referred to my hands-

SBAC: Andreas Deja, one of the lead character animators?

G: -to my hands as being on the small side, and that I had to wear big gloves in the film. But I guarantee you, blog man, there’s no problem - I guarantee. No one has bigger hands than Gaston!


No one shops for cookware like Gaston!

SBAC: Well, that’s … good to know-

G: My fingers are long, and beautiful - as are various other parts of my body!

SBAC: I really didn’t need to know-

G: Like I tell LeFou, I just have to tuck it in because of these tight pantaloons I wear-

SBAC: Whoa, okay! Let’s change topics! Why don’t we talk about your experiences actually making the movie?

G: Bah! Those mouse-men had some papers they called “a script” or something. But how could I read it? There were no pictures! Besides, they don’t write good. They have people over there, like Linda Woolverton and others, they don’t – they don’t write good. They don’t know how to write good.

SBAC: Um, well said?

G: After I saw what they wanted me to do, I had my own script written up!

SBAC: You did?

G: Of course! No one writes scripts like Gaston! <Hands over a wad of papers> I have it here - read it!

SBAC: Oh, may I? This is interesting, I never knew that you wrote your own … hmmm …

G: I can see you’re overcome with awe!

SBAC: Well … this is mostly drawings of you, from what I can tell. Did a 4-year old draw these for you?

G: Of course not - I did! No one draws like Gaston! I believe the Disney people call these “story boards.”

SBAC: Mmm, okay. Lots of drawings of you flexing your muscles-

G: No one flexes like Gaston!

SBAC: -and shooting animals with your bow and arrows-

G: No one hunts like Gaston!


No one double fist-bumps like Gaston!

SBAC: -and … well this is interesting. This looks like you and LeFou posing for what would later become the fountain that sits in the Magic Kingdom’s Fantasyland.


G: What? Let me see that! <Snatches the drawing and looks at it> Ah, this is actually one of LeFou’s drawings. Not sure how it got in here. He loves sketching me; posing with my trophies, wrestling, riding my horses with my shirt off...

SBAC: Ah, I see…

G: <Tosses the drawing back> Sometimes I envy dear LeFou - he gets the privilege of spending all his time with me; taking meals with me, bringing me more beer, getting me dressed each morning-

SBAC: He dresses you?

G: <Shakes his head> I know what you’re thinking. Yes, I know LeFou prefers the company of men - it’s fine with me.

SBAC: Oh really? I’m rather surprised that you’re OK with his sexuality.

G: <Waves a dismissive hand> Yes, yes, my fabulous friend happens to be gay - but I’m a traditionalist. It's not my thing. Many a weak-minded male finds himself helplessly drawn to me when in my presence. It can’t be helped. No one makes men go gay like Gaston!

SBAC: It … may be best to leave that alone for now. <Glances through some more drawings> This one appears to be the trio of young blonde women from the film, and ... what I’m assuming is supposed to be Belle. What are they doing?

G: Why, they are down on my bearskin rug, gazing up lustily as I down a hearty mug of ale! No one drinks and takes worship like Gaston!

SBAC: <Turns drawing sideways, then back> What’s wrong with their bodies?

G: Calm yourself, LeBlogger! Why, those beautiful girls are in the nude!

SBAC: Is this what you think women look like?

G: <Rolls eyes> Of course it is, you simple fool. I have a great respect for women! That’s why I offer them the chance to make their dreams come true! Beautiful women always have a tremendous time with me at my rustic hunting lodge!

SBAC: Really? What do they do there?

G: All things the women love! They massage my feet, cook big meals, clean my guns and trophies, wash the dogs … I have six or seven, you know?

SBAC: Women?

G: No, blogger - dogs.

No one mounts more animals than Gaston!

SBAC: <Sarcastically> And do these women do certain things for you in the bedroom, as well?

G: Well, yes - they pick up my laundry and tidy the bed sheets! What else!?

SBAC: Never mind. Do you find that many women talk to you?

G: Naturally! All of the women on the film set flirted with me, whether they realized it or not. That’s to be expected, of course!

SBAC: Sure. It seems as though Belle wasn’t particularly attracted to you-

G: Ah-haha! Belle simply played coy with me! She knows that no one plays games like Gaston, and made sport of it! She understands that as the only one as beautiful as I, she was destined to marry me and have six or seven strapping boys within a year!

SBAC: Within a year? How’s that possible?

G: Don’t ask me - I don’t know how the whole children thing works. That’s women's work!

No one flings steaming piles of woo like Gaston!

SBAC: Mmm. Why didn’t you ask out one of the blonde villagers? They seemed eager to spend time with you.

G: <Snickering> They’re sixes, at best! <Spits loudly> P'tooey!!

SBAC: Eew! You spit on me!

G: No one expectorates like Gaston!

SBAC: <Wiping spit off his pants> Jeez, how do you even know that word? Wait, didn’t you say earlier that Belle loved it when you grabbed her book? Now you’re saying she played hard to get?

G: Anything you’ve heard about Belle not falling in love with me is false news!

SBAC: “False news?”

G: Yes, false news spread by jealous, bad bonhommes! Very sad!

SBAC: Okay then.

G: <Furrows his brow> Hmmm … if I didn’t know better, I’d say that you feel superior to Gaston!

SBAC: No, not at all … I’m just trying to wrap my head around what you're-

G: <Suddenly rises from his chair and unsheathing a hunting knife> No one insults Gaston! It’s time to take some action! I won’t rest until the blogger’s dead! GOOD AND DEAD!

No one wields ornamental stone like Gaston!

SBAC: Hey, hey, wait a minute! Put that knife down, please!

G: Haha! What’s the matter, blogger!? Too kind and gentle to fight back!?

SBAC: I thought I was giving an interview!? What the hell are you doing?!

G: <Slashes threateningly with his knife> Did you honestly think she would read your blog, when she had someone like ME!?

SBAC: <Jumps behind his chair> What!? Who are you talking about? I was interviewing you for a blog!

G: <Laughs menacingly and leaps forward>

SBAC: <Falls backward, winded> D’ah! What are you doing!? What’s wrong with you!?!

G: <Kicks the chair aside> It’s over, blogger! <Forcibly presses his boot upon the blogger’s throat> BELLE IS MINE!!!

SBAC: <Hacks and gasps> You’re … hurting me … !

G: You were never a blogger! You were never even a man!!

SBAC: <Gurgles incomprehensibly>

G: <Pauses> Wait … what does that mean? Why are you saying that name!?

SBAC: <Coughs> Wh - what?

G: Why did you say Martha? Why did you say that name!? Why did you say Martha!?

SBAC: I didn’t! What the fuck are you talking about!?

Suddenly Belle runs in the room, her yellow hoopskirt swishing wildly.

Belle: It’s his mother’s name! It’s his mother’s name!

SBAC: Huh!?! No it’s not! My mom’s name is Donna!

G: <Straightening up> Belle! You're in such good shape! <Turns to the blogger> She's in such good physical shape. Beautiful! Wait ... are you in love with her, blogger!?!

SBAC: What’s going on here!? Dude, I’ve never seen this woman before in my life!

G: <Crouches menacingly over the blogger> Belle, tell the others to take whatever booty they can, but remember: the blogger is mine!

SBAC: <Giggles> Hehe … booty.

G: <Grabs the blogger by his ankle and drags him from the room> We’re not safe until the blogger’s head is mounted to my wall!

SBAC: What the hell!? Hey, come on! Belle, where are you!? I need help!

Belle: <Thumbs through the calendar on her iPhone> Hmm? Oh, sorry, can't - busy day ahead. I’ve got a photo-shoot for a new line of bath products in an hour, then I’ve got to appear before a princess-in-training to sing her a song about humility, then I’ve got to make it to Cinderella’s castle to induct a Latin American princess at three o’clock. Then back to Beast’s place to oversee the table set-up in the ballroom for tonight’s dinner service. <She then taps her brooch, which emits an electronic chirp> Merida, bring me up!

Belle then vanishes in a brief flash of sparkling pink light.

SBAC: <Shakes his head as he’s dragged out> I really need to get back to normal reviews ...