A Far Off Place

Today we journey into the wilds of Africa to join a young Reese Witherspoon on a treacherous trek in 1993’s A Far Off Place.

The last country with a soul

Right off the bat, the film's opening sets a grim tone that will hover over everything that follows. After a big, bold disclaimer stating that all animals in the film were trained and treated with the upmost care, and any distress portrayed by them was staged (well I should hope so!), we are treated to a scene of African poachers violently shooting a family of elephants. A baby elephant frantically mewls over her family’s corpses as the poachers proceed to forcibly remove their tusks with chainsaws. Then a jeep screeches up, and out climbs Maximilian Schell, looking as bearded and crazed as ever. Uh oh, I’m thinking, he must be the evil leader of these poachers – I mean, it’s Maximilian Schell. But wrong I was, as he promptly whips out a big semi-automatic rifle and shoots each of the poachers dead. This bloody sequence (and there is a surprising amount of actual (fake) blood on display for a Disney movie) cross-fades into the opening credits, superimposed over wide vistas of wind-swept sand dunes as a sweeping orchestral score blasts from the soundtrack, like the opening to some imaginary Lawrence Of Arabia sequel.

Maximilian, the time has come to liquidate our guests...

This is all pretty harsh, Disney film or not. As we get into the main section of the film the tone lightens up somewhat, though not by much (more about that in a moment.) The main character in the film is young Nonnie Parker (played by a pre-fame Reese Witherspoon,) daughter of a family of gamekeepers, who spends her days helping with the wildlife and honing her rifle-shooting skills - in case poachers show up. I had some trouble accepting Witherspoon in the role of the hardened youth who easily communes with the natives, but I freely admit this is pure post-fame prejudice. Had I seen this movie in the years prior to Legally Blonde and Sweet Home Alabama, I would’ve applauded her performance. I imagine her recent acclaimed role in 2014’s Wild was a more mature take on her performance here.

No, no! I said bend and snap!

Nonnie and her family are visited by an old family friend, whose stuck-up New Yorker son, Harry, is played by young Ethan “Nick Pappagiorgio” Embry (still going by Ethan Randall here,) two years before his memorable turn in Empire Records. I had been going under the impression that A Far Off Place was a period piece, not a contemporary movie – until Embry’s character shows up, complaining about how boring Africa is while blasting his Sony Walkman and bemoaning the fact that there were no VCRs in sight. So I guess it’s a period piece now.

Who would've thought Nonnie had the legs of a thoroughbred. Am I right?

Before long, a group of poachers (possibly related to those from the beginning) descends upon the household and massacres the kid’s parents, along with all the locals employed at the preserve. After dispatching the poacher’s trucks with a few fistfuls of dynamite (!), the pair of youths flees into the barren Kalahari Desert. Accompanied by a young bushman named Xhabbo (played with genuine warmth by African actor Sarel Bok,) they set out on a perilous 1,250-mile trek to the coast; as Embry’s character observes, it would be like “walking from New York to Miami” (he’s off by 50 miles or so, but not a bad guess – thanks Google Maps!) At the same time, the group is sporadically pursued by the leader of the bloodthirsty poachers – not Maximilian Schell, who plays a sort-of-mentor to Nonnie in the film’s first act - but by John Ricketts (played by Australian actor Jack Thompson,) another friend of her fathers who has betrayed them. Along their way, the young trio learns to function as a family of sorts; there are many scenes of the three sharing a laugh over campfires, bonding with each other and with nature, and there’s even a budding romance between Nonnie and Harry.

The film is truly a sight to behold. The trio’s journey is presented through beautiful widescreen photography, thanks to the keen eyes of both cinematographer Juan Ruiz Anchía and first-time director Mikael Salomon (himself an Oscar-nominated cinematographer for The Abyss, among others.) The impressive colors on display - the lush reds of African sunsets, dusty yellows of endless sand dunes, and bold blues of the cloudless sky – go a long way to establish the exotic setting. The aforementioned score by James Horner helps elevate the proceedings with its power and scope, though perhaps matching the grandeur of the setting more than the story occurring onscreen.

Fun for the whole family!

It is perhaps this very scope, along with the noted grimness of the first act, which hampers much of the film. I never found myself connecting with the characters, despite the perilous situation they faced. Most of the time, Nonnie and her troupe were so focused on survival (understandably so) that it became noticeable how little time was given for them to stop and reflect on the pain of their situation. I could sense that audiences, as a result, may have been more upset about their families’ deaths than the characters themselves appear to be. The shifting bleakness of the story and beauty of the setting had a kind of desensitizing effect as I watched; I wanted to see them through to the end, but never felt the emotional fever-pitch that this kind of story needs.

If I could talk to the animals...

There are a few other oddities worth noting: there is a strong (and groan-inducingly obvious) message of animal/nature conservation, which I suppose shouldn’t be a surprise in a film whose first scene dramatizes the murder of elephants. Occasionally the idea of the native’s nobility stretches a bit far; especially in the scene where Xhabbo speaks to a pack of elephants in his native tongue, requesting that they follow behind the group in order to cover their tracks – and they do it! This seems like a 90s intellectuals’ idea of the nature-attuned “noble savage,” and actually comes across as insulting. So too does Jack Thompsons’ treacherous John Ricketts, a character so greedy and EEEEVIL that he goes way out of his way to make sure Nonnie and Harry are killed for witnessing his crimes. It reaches a nadir in a laughable “well of course he did” moment during the climax when he runs into an exploding mine in a pitifully futile attempt to save his despicable ivory stockpile.

That bloomin' ivory's worth ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

With its solemn portrayal of animal cruelty and admirable technical achievements,  A Far Off Place seems like Disney’s try at making a prestige picture. However, its forgettable characters and unfocused middle portion, attempting to soften the story with teenage romance, prevents the film from reaching as high as perhaps intended. I vaguely recall the advertisements for the movie back in the early months of 1993, promising a sweeping family adventure teeming with enchanting wildlife – and fronted by the wacky Roger Rabbit cartoon, Trail Mix-Up! While the film is undeniably beautiful, it never really seems to know what audience it wants to play to.

Enchanted

To complete the trilogy of Disney features directed by Kevin Lima, let's fly between aspect ratios to review 2007’s live-action/animated hybrid musical comedy, Enchanted!


I like your sleeves - they're real big

It’s been several years since I’ve watched Enchanted (in fact, I don’t think I’ve seen it since the HiddenQueen and I went to the movie theater on a date night back in 2007,) but watching it again with the family, I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it. While the premise of “cartoon/fairy tale characters enter the real world” was pretty much an old gimmick by the time of release (we’re looking at you, Anchors Aweigh, Roger Rabbit, Cool World, Space Jam, etc.) the witty script and actors’ dedication to their roles carry the film.

Amy Adams, who within a few years would be over-worked as one of the few employed redheads in Hollywood (DISCRIMINATION!), brings a believable earnestness to would-be Princess Giselle, gliding and singing her heart out in what is arguably the role she was born to play. An interesting(?) side-note: Disney was gearing up to make the character one of the officially-branded Princesses, going as far as to create toy-dolls with the Disney Princess packaging. They changed course due to the fact that, unlike the other animated Princesses, everyone already knows what Giselle looks like as a flesh-and-blood human. I suppose they didn’t want to try and hire a bunch of Amy Adams look-alikes for their theme park Meet & Greets ... not that I would've complained…


A song in her heart

Given less screen time, but delivering another memorable performance is the giant-sleeved and sickeningly handsome James Marsden, who discreetly chews up every scene he’s in. His ridiculously valiant Prince Edward runs amuck in New York City, attacking busses and yelling at TV screens, an over-the-top parody to Amy Adams' gentle satire. Call me crazy, but I’ve always enjoyed Marsden in any movie in which he isn’t killed off-screen by Famke Janssen.


Big sleeves are apparently all the rage in Andalasia

The only one who doesn’t work for me is Chicken McDreamy himself, Patrick Dempsey. I’ll admit that playing the straight-man love interest in a movie about fairy tale characters is a pretty thankless role, but there is such a thing as being too “straight-man.” His bland single-dad shtick and nasally voice made me wish the movie was all about Giselle finding herself, without the requisite love story. Sorry, Dempsey – you’ll always be Ronald Miller to me, riding off into the sunset on your lawnmower with Amanda Peterson.

Nerds, jocks, my side, your side - it's all bullshit!

Also helping the movie breeze along is the return of Alan Menkin to the Disney fold, whose clever songs and appropriately fanciful score now seem like a sort of audition for Tangled a few years later.

As a matter of fact, watching the movie now, much of it feels like there’s a cleansing of sorts going on. More than trotting out old fairy tale stereotypes for satire (which it does, and very well,) the film systematically exposes, twists and purges all of the tropes of Disney’s animated canon that no longer feel relevant. That Giselle traverses the usual storybook arc backwards, going from (almost) Princess to independent woman, rather than the other-way around, is significant; it's a reversal that the animated canon itself wasn’t quite ready for yet.

Look at the animated films that came immediately before - Home On The Range, Chicken Little, Meet The Robinsons - and what came after - Bolt, The Princess And The Frog, Tangled. Excluding Robinsons and Bolt (awkwardly placed in the midst of the great Disney/Pixar merger,) you can make out a pretty sharp dividing line where Disney stopped trying too hard to either “capture the old magic” or be hipper than DreamWorks and decided to get creative again.

So despite this film’s seemingly clichéd worlds-collide story and lightweight subject matter, it seems to play an important part in the recent resurrection of Disney’s animation studio (if more in spirit than in fact.) It’s a sign of things to come that Idina Menzel, six years before she would vocalize the reigning Snow Queen of merchandise, plays a character who chooses to become a fairy tale princess on her own terms at the film’s end. And she does so without ever singing a note (unfortunately.)


Come to Mama...

Thus concludes our reviews of the Kevin Lima trilogy. Since Enchanted, Mr. Lima has been involved in a number of projects that seem to have gotten lost in development hell. Based on the three movies reviewed here, it would be a wonderful thing to see his name attached to another film sometime in the near future.

(He also directed 102 Dalmatians, but I’ll choose to ignore that.)

Tarzan

The second installment of our “Kevin Lima Trilogy” takes us deep into the wild, with Disney’s 1999 animated take on Edgar Rice Burroughs’ Tarzan.



NSFW



Right off the bat, let’s get into my favorite thing about this movie. Not the story, or the characters or the gorgeous animation; I’m talking about Phil Phreaking Collins. Now that it seems OK to admit to liking his music, I’ll say that this is one of the few Disney films that I love to crank the volume up when I watch. Admittedly, having the Chiswick-born writer of “Sussudio” write and perform the music for the Africa-set film seems like an odd choice (such were the wacky machinations of the late Eisner era,) but the rhythmic instrumentations created by Collins and composer Mark Mancina actually compliment the on-screen action well. The music’s also great to play on my way home from work, driving my Scion with good gas-mileage while loosening the collar on my non-descript polo shirt and guzzling my not-too-hot pumpkin spice latte (White Card Obtained!)

 

DA-DUM, DA-DUM, ba-dum, ba-dum - BUM BUM

 

As noted, the animation is gorgeous, perhaps representing the pinnacle of Disney’s hand-drawn animation technique (along with the following year’s Fantasia 2000.) Much ballyhooed at the time of release, the film’s usage of the Academy Award-winning “deep canvas” technology allows characters to move freely through 3D rendered backgrounds, and adds a visceral thrill to some of the action-oriented sequences. Looking at it now, it seems like a sort-of bridge between hand-drawn and CG animation.

 

My wife's favorite Character Meet-and-Greet
(besides Captain America)

The characters are, for the most part, engaging and entertaining. Tarzan himself (voiced by Tony Goldwyn as an adult and Alex D. Linz as a child,) while not necessarily identifiable to audiences, gains a lot of warmth early on as we see him grow from infant to man (a conceit that will become pretty repetitive for Disney in the 2010s.) Minnie Driver’s performance as Jane is nuanced and entertaining, though for me her unique (and somewhat deep) voice distracted from the character every once in a while. Brian Blessed appears as Clayton, his mahogany-rich voice well suited to the great white hunter who gets possibly the most gruesome death in the animated canon (and is it just me, or does Clayton’s vine-entanglement remind anyone else of The Evil Dead? No?)

I'll swallow your soul!

In the end, what doesn’t lift the film as high as some of its predecessors is its lack of experimentation. After Disney animation came roaring back with their back-to-back fairy tales The Little Mermaid and Beauty And The Beast, Robin Williams-carried Aladdin and the unique storyline of The Lion King, the studio began to rely a bit too heavily on its new-found formulas. There simply had to be a main character that was a fish-out-of-water, befriended by wacky sidekicks, who finds strength and acceptance through a new love. While not sunk so badly by this formula-adherence as 1996’s Hunchback of Notre Dame, Tarzan could have been a much better movie than it turned out had the filmmakers dropped or tweaked the formula just a little.

Good examples of this are Tarzan’s two wacky friends, Terk the ape and Tantor the elephant (voiced by Rosie O’Donnell and Wayne Knight, respectively). While neither character is especially annoying, and both actors deliver fine comedic performances, they never bring their own outlook to the story, or add to Tarzan’s arc beyond a bit of “we’ve got your back, buddy” reassurance. All fine and good, but with only forced, so-so humor, these characters are just … there. It’s as if the filmmakers had a pre-assigned checklist they had to fulfill in order to get their movie made, whether or not the story benefitted.

You're a loser ... a real loser ...

A decent hit upon release, the movie has fallen by the wayside when people discuss Disney’s 90s animated output. The Walt Disney Company itself never really pushes the film whenever they trot out their legacy animated releases; no doubt because Terk and Tantor plush doesn’t fly off the shelves like Simba and Flounder do. Like most of the animated canon by this point, there are things that work well and others that don’t, and when one doesn’t outweigh the other, the resulting product ends up falling into the category of “good, but not too memorable.”

Next time, we’ll conclude the Lima trilogy with a live-action/animated hybrid. Get your massive princess dresses prepped and ready!

A Goofy Movie

Open up your eyes; take a look at me -
get the picture fixed in your memory.
I'm driven by the rhythm like the beat of a heart,
and I won't stop until I start
to stand out…

Sorry, couldn’t resist. While I sometimes bristle at the thought of being labeled (especially by all those people on the freeway calling me “asshole” – RUDE,) I suppose I would have to be branded a #ChildOfThe90z, because I’ve got an unabashed love for 1995’s A Goofy Movie.

On the (open) road...

A sequel to the Goof Troop TV series (an old favorite of mine – #DisneyAfternoon4Ever!)(I'm sorry…) produced at Disney’s then-new (and long since shuttered) Disney Animation France, most everything in this movie plants it firmly from the years of the original Clinton administration. From Max’s baggier-than-baggy pants and backwards ball cap, to Pauly Shore’s uncredited (!) appearance as Bobby “Leaning Tower of Cheeza” Zimmeruski, to the ripped-from-Blossom fashion sense of Roxanne’s friend, Stacy (voiced by none other than Blossom’s friend Six, Jenna von Oy – not a coincidence, in my opinionation,) this is a film for the compact disc generation.

Like can you believe my brother Anthony totally has a date with Hilary Banks?

As a side-note, the very first CD I owned was the soundtrack to this movie. SEGUE!

Speaking of the soundtrack, and to paraphrase another cartoon character, Kanye West: “Yo Frozen, I’m really happy for you, Im’ma let you finish, but A Goofy Movie had one of the best soundtracks of all time… of all time!” This is due mostly to the pair of Michael Jackson-esque songs by “Little T” himself, Tevin Campbell, singing in the film as Powerline (the “biggest rock star on the planet”; but not bigger than Xavier Cugat, the mambo king.) They may be as cheesy as Bobby’s gum line, but these jamz never fail to get me Dad-dancing like an idiot. And to this day you’ll always find somebody cosplaying as Powerline at Comic-Con … so there’s that.

If we listen to each other's hearts,
we'll find we're never too far apart...

Additionally, the song and sequence at the ramshackle tourist-trap “Lester’s Possum Park” is a snarky-but-loving parody that we fans of the Country Bear Jamboree can laugh with (yes, we do exist.)

So clap your hands and stomp your feet
and try to keep right with 'em...

I can’t finish without singling out a real talent who, I feel, doesn’t get enough kudos: Bill Farmer. The voice of Goofy for thirty years now, Farmer is, to me, the quintessential Goof for the ages. Original Goofy performer Pinto Colvig created the classic voice, and must be applauded – though it should be pointed out that it was basically his own voice, and most other characters he voiced sounded similar; see 1933’s The Three Little Pigs, 1934’s The Grasshopper And The Ants, and Sleepy in Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs. Plus Colvig basically left the role once Goofy was given his own solo series of shorts anyway - hence the narration-based “How To…” series. The classic “Goofy holler,” by the way, was performed by yodeler Hannès Schroll in 1941 - a recording used until Farmer recorded his own version for Goof Troop (though Schroll's original still pops up every now and then.)

Having lived and breathed with the same character for so long, Farmer has moved his Goofy away from Colvig’s lower baritone, and his is the voice that ah-hyucks in my mind whenever I picture the character. In A Goofy Movie, Farmer gets in some effectively touching moments, as when he insists to Pete that his relationship with his son, Max, is based on trust; or when he confesses to Max that he just wants to be a part of his life.

It was nice to see Farmer receive an Annie Award in 2015 for Outstanding Achievement in Voice Acting for the recent Mickey Mouse TV series – an honor greatly deserved.

You party animal you

Next time we’ll continue the Kevin Lima directorial trifecta to the rhythmic drumming of Phil Collins. Awesome.

Donald In Mathmagic Land

Accompanying Darby O’Gill And The Little People in theaters was 1959’s “edutainment” short (thanks, EPCOT Center!) Donald In Mathmagic Land!

Pent-up Duck

I was actually surprised that this short-subject feature was shown theatrically; I’d always assumed it was made primarily for distribution to schools through special education channels, or maybe shown on television first (it was later shown on TV in 1961, as part of NBC’s premier episode of The Wonderful World Of Color.) It does seem like an odd choice to show before a light-hearted Irish fantasy film, which I also didn’t think was so short that it necessitated an extended-length short in front of it (although 93 min + 27 min = 120 min … oh, never mind.) But nevertheless, there it was, and so here we are reviewing a grade-school video standby which by this point is only of interest to math geeks and Disney nerds (or vice versa.)

Right off the bat, we get Donald Duck (voiced by the always great Clarence Nash,) apparently out hunting(?) and wandering into the “mighty strange” world of Mathmagic. He's soon joined by the familiar voice of Paul Frees as the “True Spirit of Adventure” (AKA the narrator,) basically doing his baritone Adventure Thru Inner Space voice. Soon we (and Donald) are whisked to Ancient Greece, since the narrator seems to think that discussing ancient history will convince everyone that math is not just for “eggheads.” It seems to work, though, as learning about the mathematics of octaves soon has the angry bird himself leading the Pythagoreans in a soft-jazz jam session.

There is a stretch in the middle of the film where we are shown how the Greek’s obsession with the ratio of the “golden section” influenced their art and architecture, and how this and the deduction of the “golden rectangle” continue to inspire into the modern era. Honestly, there's only so long that rectangles and triangles superimposed over pictures of buildings and paintings can keep one’s interest. This is followed by a sequence explaining how math is the basis behind the rules for most games and sports. Somehow Donald ends up dressed like Alice in order to demonstrate the mathematical dialect behind chess – though it does get us the beauty of a line, “I’m no pawn – I’m Donald Duck!”

Donald doesn't pull it off quite as well as Bugs Bunny

This soon brings us to an extremely long sequence where the mathematics behind billiards are demonstrated by a live player – over … and over … and over … and over again. Yes, playing billiards and pool is all about the utilization of angles – no shit. I’m not sure this section really gets its point across, unless the point was to make kids want to go play pool. Perhaps Disney was trying to inspire a new generation of hustlers?

I may sound like I hate this feature, but I honestly don’t – you just have to admit it’s all pretty silly. I don’t know how much a Donald Duck cartoon would necessarily change the mind of any child (or adult, for that matter) who is predisposed to dislike the subject of math - but that they even try is admirable. Disney has received a lot of flak in the past for trying to branch out from pure entertainment into the world of education. I feel that when framed in an entertaining manner (again I’ll invoke the specter of EPCOT Center and bring up the phrase “edutainment,”) kids will respond receptively to new ideas. Toward the end of Donald In Mathmagic Land, the narrator peeks into Donald’s cluttered mind, and encourages him to do some “mental house cleaning” to rid himself of antiquated ideas, bungling, false concepts, superstitions and confusion – and maybe that’s the whole point.

A look inside the Trump White House

At its best, I think that many of Disney’s efforts – EPCOT Center included – were never to try and educate (or, for cynics, indoctrinate) people like a corporatized school lesson, but rather to plant the seeds of interest. Those with more inquiring minds may then choose to think and learn more about a diverse array of subjects later on.

I’ll finish this review off, as the short itself did, with a quote from Galileo: La mathematica ė l’ alfabeto nel quale Dio ha scritto l’ univerlo.

Now I have to go pay my wife – I lost a bet on how long it would take me to bring up EPCOT Center.

Darby O'Gill And The Little People

Top o’ the morning! Well, I missed the opportunity to have 1959’s Darby O'Gill and the Little People reviewed and posted by St. Patrick’s Day (the HiddenPrincess ensured that no movie was even to be watched that night,) but as they say in the Emerald Isle, better late than never. I’m sure they say that there … they should … they say that everywhere.


Magically delicious

As the film starts, we see some lovely scenes of the wee Irish town of Rathcullen, provided mostly by the ingenious matte paintings of the great Peter Ellenshaw and his team. The following on-screen message appears after the opening credits, showing that anyone can go overboard when imbibing the spirits o’ Ireland:


You're drunk, Walt - go home.

Right away, I’d like to get the Sean Connery bit out of the way: Sean Connery’s in this movie. There.

One of the few things you seem to hear about this movie these days (besides LEPRECHAUNS) is that a young, singing Sean Connery features (whether or not his singing was dubbed seems to be a matter of some controversy.) And yes, Ultimate Scotsman Connery’s here playing “Dublin man” Michael McBride three years before he’d become a household name as Bond, James Bond. It was this film, in fact, that brought him to the attention of 007 film producer Albert R. Broccoli. No doubt the “donnybrook” fight scene at the end of the film between McBride and local bully (and Gaston prototype) Pony Sugrue, played by Kieron Moore, helped him in landing the role of the legendary spy. I have to admit that I’m just too used to seeing Connery at this age in the Bond films; when he’s approached in a field by Janet Munro with a basket of food, I kept expecting Connery to push the basket aside and start unfastening her skirt.

Put down that bashket and kissh my blarney shtone. Och!

Speaking of Janet Munro, her Katie O’Gill is a fun-to-watch firebrand, and she was never lovelier than in this movie. Her strong performance certainly helps one look past the fact that most of her character motivation is said to fuel from being “a girl of a certain age” and whatnot. Munro appeared in three films for Disney (Third Man On The Mountain and Swiss Family Robinson, besides this one,) and tragically died at age 38, from a heart attack caused by chronic ischemic heart disease in 1972. She is now, as she was then, dearly missed; at least we have her wonderful film performances to always remember her by.

My pretty Irish English girl...

The star of the film, Albert Sharpe, truly deserves that distinction, as his wily Darby grows on you immediately. Beyond the whimsical accent and loveable-old-man shtick, Sharpe brings a very honest and understated world-weary pathos to the role. The disappointment in his eyes when his boss, Lord Fitzpatrick (played by Walter Fitzgerald,) informs him that the young Michael will be replacing him as caretaker of his estate is heartbreaking – as is his sorrow and regret when his daughter lies dying towards the films’ end (um, SPOILERS.) One totally buys into his futile battle with the approaching banshee in the following scenes, in what would otherwise come across as an actor flailing his arms at a silly special effect. Such are Sharpe’s scenes with Jimmy O’Dea’s leprechaun King Brian, where the very believable rapport between the actors makes one see passed the forced-perspective effects occurring onscreen.

I'm sorry, fellas, but it's last call.

Even now, it’s clear that this was Disney’s big effects picture of the year (between this and Sleeping Beauty, Disney really “put the money on screen” in ’59,) and the scenes within the leprechaun’s kingdom still impress with their seamless integration of rotoscope, forced perspective and matte-painting. Plus, if you happen to be watching with half a bottle of wine in you, the bits where Darby furiously plays his fiddle while dozens of tiny leprechaun-extras dance and leap around in a crazy sped-up fever, then suddenly appear riding tiny horses (tiny freaking horses!?!) around and around, the effect can be … alarmingly disorienting.

What the hell is going on!?

Regardless, I can’t recommend this film enough to anyone, whether as a St. Patrick’s tradition or as a whimsical family film for those wishing a break from the usual animated fare - which leads nicely to our review of the rather unusual animated short which accompanied Darby O’Gill at the cinema…


Im'ma rent me a backhoe and uproot that tree...



The One and Only, Genuine, Original Family Band

So late the other night I decided to fit in another movie for the 2017 DisneyWatch of Doom, and selected 1971’s The Barefoot Executive. Kurt Russell and a monkey – how bad could it be? Well apparently my used DVD had a great big, deep scratch that caused both my DVD players to freeze halfway through the opening credits, then after some sickening grinding noise, jump right to “The End!” Oh well, guess I’ll have to postpone that one. What else should I watch, oh wise list randomizer?

Oh dear God … no … not that one!

Cutting to the chase, I put myself through another viewing of 1968’s (wait for it …) The One and Only, Genuine, Original Family Band (not to be confused with "Dr. Fünke's 100% Natural Good-Time Family Band Solution.")

Welcome to the seventh level of hell...

Where to begin?

Sitting through this film, one gets the impression that somebody at the studio REALLY REALLY wanted another drawn-out period-piece musical, no matter what the cost. I imagine the conversation went something like “We need another Happiest Millionaire, which was us trying to get another Mary Poppins!”

I know that the song-writing Sherman Brothers are revered #DisneyLegends, but personally I find their output to be hit-or-miss - as if they blew their wad for Poppins and were pushed to write more songs than they really wanted to afterward. The avalanche of songs in Blah-Blah-Blah Family Band all sound similar, go on for several minutes too long, and make whatever little momentum the story has grind to a halt. Besides “Let's Put It Over with Grover,” which the One and Only, Genuine, Original Family Band (whew) plan to perform at a political convention, none of the songs help to move the story along, and have little point beyond proclaiming “I’m in love!”, “Isn’t music great!?”, “I’m still in love!” or “We’re The One and Only, Genuine, Original Family Band, just like in the title!”

I'm gonna kick the hell out of this number!

Apologies, but can I talk freely about Lesley Ann Warren? While her singing voice can be lovely (and … distinct), and I’m sure her particular type of acting is perfectly suited to musical theater or large civic auditoriums, the faces she pulls make my bowels groan. Forever looking like that high school theater kid who wants to be a star from the back of the crowd in the big dance number, she always waves her jazz-hands more frantically and kicks her petticoats higher than everyone else in the scene. In any given situation, whether her character is in love, thinking about being in love, falling in love, falling out of love, or blowing her cornet, she makes the biggest, freakiest saucer-eyes, like an Overly Attached Girlfriend meme come to life.

Actually, this one appears to be a trombone...

As noted before, I have actually sat through this film once before. The first time I saw it, I was simply bored to tears of tedium - but this time something very different happened; something that left a vaguely foul taste in my movie-watching mouth (so to speak.)

The film, purportedly a lightweight family comedy, takes place against the backdrop of the highly-contested 1888 presidential election, and most of its characters end up fighting over the issue of Dakota Territory statehood. In her excellent blog, Passport to Dreams Old and New, author and devout intelligentsia FoxxFur, writing about the film in 2014, notes that viewing this movie while taking into account the tumultuous political situation at its time of release (the Vietnam war, race riots, hippie-youth vs. old guard - all the stuff Baby Boomers love to go on about, man) would have been an extremely frustrating experience. The film drags in some pretty serious political issues, which to a degree was tuned-in to the social atmosphere of 1968. However, after taking on such a heavy-handed tone, the film then shrugs it all off by the end – as one of it’s endless songs goes, “That’s politics!” This was an issue that Foxx took offense with. While watching the movie this time, I started to get a similar feeling.

During the film’s climax, the two parties, Republicans and Democrats, are facing off in the town’s exposition hall waiting on the poll results (and OMG the family is split!!), with tensions growing and god-awful musical numbers ensuing. When word comes down that Democrat candidate Grover Cleveland has won, half the room (including the family’s lovable-old-coot grandfather, played by Walter Brennan) is jubilant, and the other side (including the virile Republican booster - and Lesley Ann’s love interest - played by John Davidson) is incensed. Soon a full-on riot ensues, with punches being thrown all around and the six (!) youngest children of the One and Only, Ori … the Family Band being stuck in the middle. Now as far as Disney’s patented “live-action wacky fights” go, this one was pretty intense and not really played for laughs. After several minutes, word comes from the telegraph office that – hold the phone – while Cleveland won the popular vote, the electoral college has chosen Republican Benjamin Harrison as the next president.

Love at first grope

And then, to celebrate, John Davidson forces himself on Lesley Ann Warren. Everyone cheers and Leslie Ann agrees, aw shucks, to marry the big lug. In song.

I hate this fucking movie.

Well, maybe the next one won't warrant such a rant. In the meantime, please go out and watch a good movie.

The Adventures Of Bullwhip Griffin

Time for another live-action film today, and it’s 1967’s titter-inducingly titled The Adventures of Bullwhip Griffin.


A comedy/western about the misadventures of a prim-and-proper Bostonian butler who heads to California during the Gold Rush, by far the best thing about this one is star Roddy McDowall. Showing himself to be a truly gifted comedic actor, his performance is a joy to watch, even when he’s doing his usual “Roddy McDowall thing.” The way in which he generously interacts with his co-stars (including young Bryan Russell, a decent child actor) helps to elevate their acting, and smooths out some of the more so-so scripted material.

The plotting of the movie is slightly uneven, as it plays out episodically with a few large chronological gaps during the character’s journey. Each section of the film is punctuated by amusing inter-titles by Disney animator Ward Kimball, reminding one of the intertitles from Monty Python with their clever use of limited animation.

Behold the schnoz

A few other standouts: the big boxing match during the film’s finale surprised me, as the usual "Disney live-action wacky fight scene" went on and so far over the top (including moments where characters were flying through the air, turning different colors, dancing in sped-up motion, etc.) that it became something truly weird to behold. Karl Malden weaves in and out of the narrative as disguise-wearing con artist Judge Higgins, lending some menacing comic-relief to the proceedings. And despite one of those groan-inducing scenes where he dresses like a Chinese coolie and puts on a "Me so solly" voice, I have to admit the man has a mesmerizingly huge nose.

And I have to applaud Suzanne Pleshette as Griffin’s governess-turned-love interest, Arabella Flagg, for bringing a nicely rounded-out spark of independence to what could have been a disappointing “bit o’ tail” role. Ms. Pleshette is more often than not remembered today for her role on The Bob Newhart Show (and the finale of Newhart, OMG!!), but she was a truly talented actress, and it’s great to see her off of the small screen (on, uh, my small screen.) And oh that voice …

No more Japanese food before you go to bed...

More to come soon! And they won't be great!

 

 

Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs

We might as well start at the very beginning with our first animated movie review, and take a quick look at the studio’s first full-length film (animated or otherwise,) Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Wish me love a wishing well to kiss and tell...

What can one say that hasn’t been said already? A classic movie for kids and adults alike, the film is a fever-dream of emotions and one hell of an artistic achievement. Watching the movie as an adult, it becomes clear that the storyline plays along more like a series of connected vignettes. I mean, in terms of plot do we need to see the dwarfs wash up for dinner in such excruciating detail? It works, though, and the film does a good job of cutting between Snow White, the dwarfs and the Queen to move the action along.

Characters are written down to their most basic qualities: Snow White is kind and has a singing voice that can crack glass, the dwarfs all act like their names at all times (well, Happy’s not happy when Snow White dies - that’d be hilarious, though - also SPOILERS,) the Prince is … badly drawn? I understand that Prince No-Name is barely an active participant in the film due to the animator’s struggles with drawing a convincing human male, but it’s still funny how little he’s in play.

“Hello, strange girl. I love you – bye!”
“Look, it’s that girl I sang to, and she’s dead. I guess I’ll kiss her corpse."
"Oh look, she’s OK. Well, back to my castle!”
 THE END!

Well, it doesn’t matter anyway – we’re all here to see Grumpy - he gets most of the good lines, and goes from sour-puss to hero once the climax starts. That's the kind of character arc that'll guarantee you Father's Day t-shirt sales for decades to come. Unless you're looking for marathon weekend tips, in which case you're here to see Dopey.


A poorly-practiced snot rocket goes horribly wrong...

But seriously, even detaching personal nostalgia (which I’m not going to do, so there), Snow White really is special, and a joy to watch with loved ones (it’s one of the few movies my HiddenPrincess will sit and watch the whole way through.)

Lastly, the Queen (Disney’s original Nasty Woman) is a badass. She makes herself into an ugly witch just to prove how hot she is, like so many plastic surgery addicts. And in the 1971 version of the Snow White ride at Magic Kingdom, she succeeded in killing every guest who rode!!

Enjoying the ride, dearies?

Condorman

Our first regular entry is an expansion on my original mini-review which was posted for friends and family on "the Facebook": Disney’s 1981 uh, classic, Condorman!

(Hence the title of this blog … condor instead of mouse … never mind.)

Impressive wingspan!

Essentially a comedic spy movie with a bit of average-joe-becomes-hero hijinks thrown in, the film often feels like a spoof of the Roger Moore era of the James Bond series – which is rather odd in and of itself. I love the Roger Moore Bond films, so this was actually right up my alley.

Star Michael Crawford (the Phantom of the Opera himself) can’t do an American accent to save his life; why they didn’t hire an American actor, or at least someone that could do the accent, is something I honestly can’t fathom. It’s not like Woody Wilkins (our hero’s real name) ever has to break out in song during his mission or anything like that. Maybe they were trying to appeal to fans of his British sitcom Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em – but I doubt it. Accented or not, Crawford quickly grows on you with a genial teeth-and-curls charm.

The Spy Who Hugged Me

Co-star Barbara Carrera is very chic with her flowy outfits and Russian accent, and would go on to be a (quasi)real “Bond girl” in the (semi)007 film Never Say Never Again (kinda). Oliver Reed makes a surprisingly menacing villain, pulling off a convincing Russian accent and brusque demeanor - no doubt due to the fact he was usually half-full of vodka during filming.

The movie is pretty dumb – quite often there are over-long “wacky fight scenes” (expect to hear about a lot of these in the live action Disney film canon) or disguise-based gags that fall flat; typical stuff for spy spoofs, unfortunately. And, of course, you can always see the wires whenever Woody takes flight – but no matter. For a certain audience, especially those who can appreciate an odd cult comedy, Condorman is harmless fun, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.  I give it four bottles of Stoli!

Also, the Condormobile is awesome.


That's right - Pixar loves Condorman

To All Who Come To This Happy Place, My Apologies: A Brief Introduction

“I only hope that we don't lose sight of one thing - that it was all started by a … condor?” 

-Literally no one ever

Oh look! A blog from some random nerd reviewing movies - what a novel concept!

Well, maybe not, but I have a reason for starting this little endeavor. Here’s the mission statement: to watch (or re-watch) and review all of the two-hundred-something Disney movies I've accumulated before my family’s vacation to Walt Disney World in January 2018.

Hey, I didn’t say it was a good reason.

Like many folks growing up in the 80s and 90s, I watched Disney movies and television, and visited Disneyland religiously (wouldn’t get to Walt Disney World until I was 32, with my wife and year-old daughter). I have made it a hobby to read all about Walt Disney and the history of the company he created. There are many books and blogs that have expanded my knowledge and appreciation for most things Disney (many of which I may try to point readers toward in the future), including some of the more obscure films and TV specials that have gone under the radar over the years. I plan on reviewing some of these obscurities before we’re through, along with sharing my thoughts on the more well-known cash cows that we’re all familiar with.

While I consider myself something of an armchair Disney historian, let me say that I am in no way claiming to be an expert on anything I review. Nor am I going to attempt any in-depth critical analysis or production histories for anything I watch. It’s all going to be completely subjective reactions, totally biased and swayed by nostalgia, personal taste and mood. Sounds like a fun read, huh? Any comment, discussion or debate is welcomed, as I love to talk about this stuff with anyone interested.

I’m not sure if the blog will continue or not after I've accomplished this mission (mission's a strong word ... attempt?) - we’ll have to wait and see what the future holds. Mysterious, no?

Anyhow, enough of my yappin’. It’s time to stop writing about myself and … start writing my opinions. 

5/9/17 Update:
Well, I'm apparently a big fat failure. After a little more than a month of reviewing at a breakneck pace, I've started to feel a bit burned out.

When I started this blog, I hadn't actually worked out exactly how many movies I would need to watch and review each month in order to have all 210 (or so) posts up by the first week of 2018.

Turns out it was a lot more than I'd expected. In order to finish by the end of the year, I would need to publish between 22 and 26 posts a month - nearly one each day. What the hell had I gotten myself into?

Well, I gave it the old school try, and for all of April I kept up with my schedule, more or less. But soon I discovered that watching the movies, writing about them, putting together and editing each blog post was taking up every second of the limited spare time I have. In more ways than I care to think about, this review blog had quickly come to consume most of my life.

So when blogging starts to adversely affect other areas of one's life, I believe it's prudent to pull back and re-evaluate. I've come to immensely enjoy writing these reviews (my increasingly long-winded posts prove this,) and have some wonderful and loyal readers. I plan to continue updating this blog at a much more leisurely pace - hopefully one or maybe two reviews a week. Unfortunately, this means I won't have everything watched and reviewed before the family trip to Walt Disney World.

Oh well. Things don't always turn out exactly as planned.


9/6/18 Update:
It's the end.

But the moment has been prepared for…