Heavyweights

And now, Started By A Condor presents its' first guest review. Since today's movie is one that's not a nostalgic favorite of mine (nor one that I particularly like, if we're being honest,) I thought it'd be more fun to share the perspective of someone more familiar (and sympathetic) to it's charms. Without further ado, here's my better half, the HiddenQueen, with her look back at 1995's Heavyweights!

I'm not going to camp with a bunch of fat loads!

A few months ago, HiddenIan asked me to write a guest blog post about Heavyweights. Why he didn’t want to write about this movie - one of the greatest films of our generation - is beyond me. I’m not the best at reviewing movies, so I’ll just go over some reasons why I like this movie:

      •It’s awesome.

      •It’s basically The Mighty Ducks, but without hockey - which makes sense since it’s
      written/directed by Steven Brill, writer of all 3 Mighty Ducks movies (and writer/director
      of 2000’s Little Nicky - when are we finally going to see that film?).

      •It’s basically The Mighty Ducks, but with no Queen song at the end.

      •It’s basically The Mighty Ducks, but with Ben Stiller.

      •It’s funny.

      •They eat a lot of junk food, which makes me hungry.

      •“BUDDY!!”

      •I really related to the kid when he couldn’t throw the ball over the fence.

      •Jeffrey Tambor.

You can clearly see why this movie is so amazing. Another fun fact: the movie is co-written by Judd Apatow (yes, that guy).

So this is your basic “kids go to fat camp and it gets bought by a crazy fitness guru making an infomercial” story. Gerry (Aaron Schwartz, from The Mighty Ducks), a really sweet kid who can’t throw a ball over a fence, gets forcibly sent to Camp Hope (a weight loss camp) by his parents. They literally don’t tell him he’s going until a guy comes to their house and shows him a promotional video for the camp. Here’s my first question: does this guy just go around to various houses showing them videos? He’s making house calls to promote the camp! When Gerry gets to camp, he realizes it’s really fun with other fat kids who are just like him. This summer will be awesome! Some of his friends include Roy (Kenan Thompson, from Kenan & Kel and Mighty Ducks 2) and Josh (Shaun Weiss aka GOLDBERG!). See - I told you it’s basically The Mighty Ducks.

We're as good as anybody, it's time we started acting like it.

The adults in the movie are all kind of incompetent in some way, but I do like them. There’s the fat counselor played by Tom McGowan (also seen on TV’s Frasier), and the skinny counselor played by Paul Feig (known for writing and directing many popular shows like The Office, Parks And Recreation and 30 Rock) - who was also a “dining room guest” on Hell’s Kitchen. Cool. The nurse (played by Leah Lail) is kind of boring and she’s basically just there to be a pretty lady and love interest. She was also in Mighty Ducks 2 (what did I say?!?!?!?!). Another fun fact: she retired from acting and she’s now a real estate agent.

Okay, enough about the actors.

It’s all fun and games at Camp Hope until they find out that fitness entrepreneur Tony Perkis (Ben Stiller) bought the camp from the nice, sweet old owners (played by Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara).

So Ben Stiller bought his parents’ camp and bankrupted them? Cool.

Can you smell it? There's a life force in here tonight.

Perkis plans to turn the camp into a serious, extreme weight loss camp and also make an infomercial out of the whole experience! He’s a typical crazy fitness guy, and he’s basically their worst nightmare. He makes them go on crazy long hikes and cuts off contact from the outside world. He also gets rid of fun stuff like the big inflatable thing in the lake that makes them bounce around, and the go-karts - which were two things Gerry really liked. Perkis also takes away all the hidden junk food (camp is so fun because of junk food and go-karts). More importantly, Perkis humiliates them all when they do a forced public weigh-in. He’s basically insane.

He also brings in mean “fit” camp counselors who make the kids do ridiculous things like exercise and eat health food. The best new counselor is Lars (Tom Hodges), because he has a funny accent and he’s not too smart. But we like him because he turns into a good guy at the end.

Please put your fat finger down!

Jeffrey Tambor, by the way, doesn't give a flip that his son is unhappy at camp. I guess he really wants his kid to lose weight.

After much time is devoted to the kids being humiliated, both emotionally and physically, they decide to take back their camp. They trap and imprison Perkis and have a huge party where they eat a whole bunch of junk food(!!!). On parents day, the kids show their parents a video of everything Perkis has done to them. Perkis, who’s escaped, does some crazy backflips and is exposed as the psycho he really is. End movie … roll credits.

You have one of those fish-and-chip farts there, Nicky?

OK not really. We still have to have the smart (but overweight) kids triumph over the athletic camp next door. Because I guess they really need a win (besides, you know, defeating a crazy Ben Stiller)? They have a competition and of course the kids at Camp Hope win, then at the end the counselor from Frasier kisses the pretty nurse. The movie should have ended earlier - I always thought these last scenes were lame.

I know you can do it, I have faith in you. But for now, observe the silence of the chi.

So, it’s not the deepest movie. It’s full of stereotypes: the fat kids like to eat and they’re bad at sports - we get it. The athletic kids are good at sports but bad at academics - we get it. What’s funny is that half of these kids are in The Mighty Ducks where they are amazing at playing hockey. I don’t like how the purpose of one of the few women in the movie is just to be someone’s love interest. And she’s good-looking, so this proves that an overweight guy can win the heart of an attractive lady - we get it. This movie would be nothing without Ben Stiller. He’s so funny in his role as Tony Perkis, that the minute he shows up, the movie improves. Every scene he’s in is comedy gold. He really steals the show.

Lars, his head “fit” counselor, also makes the movie. We seriously love him and everything he says, and we love how he doesn’t understand the “Buddy System.” We crack up when he says “bahhdddeeeee!!!” He’s just a silly, funny character and we like him a lot.

So Lars, buddy - you with us, or against us?

But the scene that really spoke to me is in the beginning where Gerry can’t throw a ball over the fence. This was seriously me - I was not an overweight child, but I couldn’t throw worth a damn.

So it’s a fun movie, but it’s not as good as A Goofy Movie or The Mighty Ducks, or other movies that came out in the ‘90s. Most people haven’t really heard of it, but it holds a special place in my heart and I hope you’ll give it a chance.